Wednesday, May 18, 2011

i'm sorry

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've failed so many people. I'm sorry that I fail you on a daily basis. I know we all have struggles, and I know mine probably aren't worse than yours. But I don't ask for much. A little compassion goes a long way. I'm sick dammit. I'm not faking. I'm not faking to get attention or whatever it is you think. If it makes any difference my boss passed my desk today and told me I should go home because I didn't look like I felt good. The truth is I spent time in the bathroom crying today because I felt so sick, but knew I needed to be there.I haven't had a good night of sleep in years. But no one listens. But this week I feel like I haven't slept at all. I lay in bed and toss and turn all night. And if pure exhaustion can make a person sick, then I'll blame it on that.I know I need a job. And I know I can't keep one if I'm sick all the time. But how do you tell your body not to get sick? How do you make yourself sleep at night? I feel like everyone I live with is disappointed in me, and maybe they should be.But I'm sick. I don't feel good. I want to take a handful of pills and sleep for a week. Maybe then it will be better. Maybe then people will understand me.I am laying in bed crying now because I don't know what else to do. I'm so sick that crying is all I can do. I'm crying because I don't want to see the looks from everyone else when they come home. I'm sick...and why do I have to explain to the world why I'm sick.Am I depressed? Yes, I think so. What caused it to come back? I don't know. I thought it was gone. But I guess not. So that's one more thing that I can't just get over and move on.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry

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