Thursday, May 19, 2011

the one about depression

I've been trying to pinpoint what exactly has brought my depression out of hiding this time. Going back to work shouldn't have done it, because I always feel like a better person when I'm working. Missing out on the 3 hr naps with Lexi is something i miss, but that shouldn't be it either.Lexi being sick over the weekend. Something about it started my anxiety spiraling. She had hit her head twice a few days before she started throwing up...so of course I'm paranoid about that. And I'm just the kind of mom that cries when her baby is sick. She's so sad and helpless. But i was able to be there and comfort her. When i went to work and her to school on Monday i wasn't there to have "control" of the situation. Even thinking about her being at school without me kinda gets my heart pumping a little bit. So in my own head, if i can't have control of the situation i might as well block it out all together? But once i start that cycle it's hard to break it. Once i spend the day in bed, it's hard to get up the next day and do the right thing.All i can do is try.

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