Monday, May 16, 2011

scared to be this way

There are times when I don't really understand this life. What my purpose is here. I get up, drive to work, do work, drive home..survive until bedtime...lay in bed for hrs with no sleep.I'm exhausted. I am the kind of person that needs 8+ hrs of sleep to function. And I very rarely get that much. From exhaustion comes emotion. I miss that I used to have friends. Now, I was never popular...but I had friends to run Around doing stuff with. Now that doesn't happen. And it's not just because I have Lexi. I know it's a 2 way street, but it feels like it's all my fault. If I could have been skinnier or prettier then I would have had friends. And it's still that way now. People at work talk to me, acknowledge the fact that I'm there. But I'm never going to fit in and be one of them.So when I come home and want to go to bed it's because it's my safe place. It's the place where I can think and cry. It's the safe haven i have created for myself. It's where i hide from the world that is banging down the door screaming about bills getting pd. I feel like every part of my day is survival mode. Getting out of bed is a struggle. Driving to work is a battle. Juggling through all the papers on my desk is a nightmare. No wonder I live off exedrin. Driving home...same struggle as before. Playing mommy for a few hours is overwhelming. And then bed.
Safe again, for a while

No comments:

Post a Comment