Thursday, September 22, 2011

I didn't ask to be sick

I didn't ask for this. Being sick.
I didn't ask to have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) that has in so many ways ruined my life.
I didn't ask to have hypothyroidism. A byproduct of PCOS. That makes me fatter than an elephant no matter what kind of diet I go on, and subsequently fail.
I didn't ask to have high blood pressure. Even though I am fatter than an elephant, I never had blood pressure issues until during my pregnancy. They thought it would go away when I gave birth. But it didn't. So now I take that pill every day. Because God forbid my blood pressure shoot up and send me into a frenzy of other issues.
I didn't ask to have food issues. I can't remember when food/diet issues started. But, it was in middle school. That's when I started making myself puke after I ate. That's when I wrote letters to all the people who made me feel bad about myself, and tucked them under my mattress. Hoping one day they would get to read them.
I didn't ask to have depression. Which is sometimes manic and often uncontrollable. I thought this was brought on by infertility. But, even after I had my miracle baby, the depression was still there. Lingering. Waiting for it's opportunity to attack. I always have tried to fight it off, and "be happy" as so many people would tell me to be. But, I need medication. I take it every day because I know if I miss 1 teeny tiny pill it could set me off for days.
I didn't ask to have migraines. PCOS again? I don't know. PCOS causes so many things. Migraines started shortly after I got married. I missed a lot of work, slept a lot, and got no results. My dr seemed to think it was ok to have a headache every day for weeks and months. I take a preventive pill every day, to try to keep me out of the migraine cycle. See what usually happens when I get a migraine, I take some excedrin, drink some soda, and try to push it away. If that doesn't work it just builds and builds and builds. And that's where I am today. I have had a migraine for 6 days straight. I'm saying I wake up with a migraine in the morning, and it is there when I go to bed at night. After getting approximately 6 hours of sleep per night over 6 days with a migraine, my head explodes. Literally. I didn't ask for this.
I didn't ask to wake up with a migraine this morning so bad that I wanted to reach for the phone and call in sick. I can't do that. I have a new job. I have a job I love. I have a job I need to keep. I have a job that no one has faith I will be able to keep. So, I drive myself to work. Through the rain, there are tears. Tears because I feel like hell. Tears because I know I will disappoint at least 1 person today. I got to work, did a few things, and texted Jacob. Because I wanted his opinion. I wanted to know what he thought I should do. Because right now, my brain can't work enough to tell me what I should do. He said to call my dr. No openings today I'm told. I can go to Urgent Care or the ER. I can't afford the ER because I don't have insurance. So, I start down the road to Urgent Care. More tears, because I'm afraid they are going to offer a service I can't afford. My hands and legs and whole body were trembling when I was trying to fill out my paperwork. Because I am in so much pain. It hurts to keep my eyes open. I didn't ask for this.
I didn't ask to sit in an urgent care alone. I didn't ask to be called back, alone. Flashbacks to my first miscarriage, when I was also alone. I didn't ask to have a stroke evaluation done on me, alone. I know I'm a big girl. And I know I can't always have my way. But I wish someone could have been there for me. They offered to give me a shot for the pain. But, I couldn't take it because I had to be able to drive myself home, alone. I didn't ask for this. I just didn't ask for this.
I'm not asking for your sympathy. Not at all. Understanding, yes. If you could please try to understand what I go through, that would be helpful. If you would like any of these symptoms for 1 day, go right ahead...I will gladly give them to you. Maybe then you will understand.

1 comment:

  1. Bug hugs to you, Danielle. I know you're having a rough time. Things will start to get better for you. They have to, right?

    The only things I can empathize with you about are the PCOS, depression, migraines, and miscarriage. But I can sympathize. I know you said you don't want sympathy, but just know that I am sorry you're hurting right now. Being a woman is hard; being a woman with chronic illness is harder. Being a woman with chronic illness and taking care of a family is brutal. But aren't you glad to be a woman? Men are smelly. ;)

    Love ya, momma!

    Hang in there!

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