Monday, October 17, 2011

I'm sorry, again

I'm sorry you don't believe me when I say I'm sick. I'm sure I built this disbelief myself. I abused the system when my depression was bad. I would call in sick just to stay home because I couldn't stand the thought of getting out of bed. So now I have "boy who cried wolf" syndrome. No one believes me when I say I'm sick.
But, I don't do that now. When I stay home it's because I'm sick.
Two weeks ago I passed out twice. Once in my car while driving to work. Two weeks ago I went to the Urgent Care twice. Two weeks ago I got 1 shot of demerol in my ass that didn't even touch the headache I was carrying out. Two weeks ago I went to the dr 3? times. Two weeks ago I had an MRI to make sure there wasn't something wrong with my brain. That isn't faking so I can lay in bed.
Today, I was up every hour or so through the night throwing up. I don't know whether it's a bug or food poisoning. I just know it's rough. Currently not even water will stay down and I'm averaging 20 minutes per puking "session." That is not faking so I can stay in bed."
I bust my ass to do the right things every day. And I fail.
I bust my ass to be an amazing Mom. And I fail.
I bust my ass to be a wonderful wife. But I fail.
I bust my ass to be a beautiful daughter and sister. But I fail at that also.
Boss called asking why I'm not there. I called the "Call in line" because two weeks ago he told me to call it. Now he says call him. How do I know what to do on any given day? Boss is mad because Friday I didn't finish something important. Something important had computer issues and Someone Important was working on fixing it. At 5:00 I left. I didn't think I needed to stay past 5 on Friday waiting for something that could take hours to fix. Yes, I will be back tomorrow and if everything is operational, I will finish Something Imporant first thing in the morning.
I can't lose this job. I can't.
You better believe I will be there tomorrow, and every day after that. From here on out. I will go when I'm puking, have pneumonia, migraines, hell I'll even be there during a snow storm. Just to prove a damn point.
But things will change. Chances are, I will go into bitch-mode to get all of this stuff done.Bitch-mode isn't pretty, but it works.
This isn't just about work. It goes for everything/everyone else who is causing me to have a panic attack right now. I may be the shittiest person on the face of the earth, but I don't deserve to be constantly treated like this. Today I should be worried about how to make myself get better, not focusing on who's ass I'm going to have to kiss first. But, don't hold your breath, because I don't think I will be kissing too many asses. I will do what I have to do. Get up, go to work, do my job, come home, be with Lexi, and go to bed. I'm not going to be a pushover just so you will like me or believe me. I know I'm sick today. I guess if you don't believe that, I'm sorry.
I see both sides of it. Employers need their employees to be there. But, don't tell me you understand my health situation and then days later tell me that you don't accept my health situation.
But, just as a side note: If anyone would like me to send them barf bag pics from the side of my bed, hook me up with your cell # and I'll get those pictures right on over to you.
So, if anyone knows anything about getting FMLA paperwork filled out. Please let me know! danielle (dot)brigance(at)live(dot)com

1 comment:

  1. ugh mama I am so sorry. I cannot imagine. Sending you good vibes on all counts. Huge hugs. xo