Monday, July 11, 2011

the one about depression

Is it bad that I don't even remember when I started dealing with depression? I honestly don't. It was probably a long time before I ever did anything about it. Looking back I can pick out a few moments in 2005 that really stick out. It was right around that time when I started having migraines daily. I was working 6-2 so I would get off before jacob, go home, and go to bed. I remember one day I was driving down riverside, almost back to the apartment and I was talking to mom on the phone. I had a migraine and major road rage. I yelled at someone in front of me and mom says, "you need to calm down." I remember hanging up the phone and literally throwing it into the passenger floorboard. Right now, I can feel that same feeling just thinking about it. That isn't normal.I don't remember what exactly led me to the dr to talk about depression. I started taking Prozac and it seemed to help mw feel more normal. I thought that my depression was caused by all the issues I was having with infertility. So, when I got pregnant I thought it would go away. But it didn't.The day I lost my job sticks out in my mind. I had a bad morning with an uncooperative patient who ended up standing up and screaming at me. I remember walking out onto the back steps and having my first ever panic attack. I immediately called the dr and told him I needed a higher dose of Prozac. When I lost my job that evening I went home, got in bed, and cried. I remember jacob saying "this is why you don't have a job right now." After delivering Lexi and bringing her home I fell into a major case of PPD. I think it was at this time we decided Prozac wasn't going to work for me. So we switched to pristiq. It made a HUGE difference in how i felt, but it didn't necessarily help the anxiety.February 3, 2010- Possibly the worst day ever. I felt the only thing i had control over was whether or not to keep trudging through life. I decided it wasn't worth it. I had the pills in my hand when i called jacob and told him he had to come home. He rushed me to the ER. They referred me to a therapist and psychiatrist. This helped tremendously. Just to have someone listen to me. I continues seeing the psychiatrist until jacob changed jobs and i was left without health insurance. This is also when i stopped taking pristiq. Even though we were at a low point (moved in with my mom and dad) i felt surprisingly normal. I made it almost a year before the depression has come back to haunt me. I am not going to go into details of what has happened with my life in the past 2 months. But what sticks out to me is that it literally feels like someone flipped a switch in my brain. I don't even know what normal is supposed to feel like. Do normal people wake up in the morning and not dread getting out of bed? Do normal people go through their day without having crippling anxiety over "minor" things? Do normal people count the hours until they can go back to bed? Do normal people feel weird and out of place when they laugh or smile?I feel smothered by this. Depression cripples me. Anxiety cripples me. Migraines cripple me. And i know they are all caused by each other. There is no way to control just one. I have a drs appt tomorrow to talk about this. My greatest fear is that he will treat me like a crazy person. My greatest fear is that i will walk out of that office tomorrow with no answers. If you pray, please say a prayer for me. But more than for me, please say a prayer for my family. Because i know they are struggling with this also.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

The weight on my shoulders

Things on my mind:My weight. It's out of control. I have no motivation to change anything. I literally am fat and lazy. Point blank.Babies: I want to have another baby. But I know it isn't going to be easy. I don't know if I can emotionally handle losing another baby.Friends: Or the lack thereof. I try so hard to fit in. I've tried fitting in with people who are like me, and I've tried fitting in with people who are different from me. It doesn't matter who it is, I just don't feel like I fit in. In the back of my mind the thought is ALWAYS there that as soon as I turn around they are going to start talking about me. But I don't know what else to do to make friends.My job: I love it. But it's temporary. I have no benefits and not the best pay. I need something permanent.Glasses/contacts. It's been over a year since I tore my last pair of contacts. So I've been stuck in glasses. I hate them. They are new, and cute, but I still hate them. I hate having to change into different sunglasses in the car or outside and not bring able to just slip the sunglasses onto the top of my head when I need to go inside. Tomorrow I will be spending time with family. So I know a lot of these thoughts will push out of my mind. But ad soon as my head hits this pillow everything will come crashing back down on me.