Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I'm not ok

People ask me on a daily basis how I'm doing, or how I'm feeling.  My general response is fine, or ok.  But, I'm not ok. 
Yesterday I blacked out.  It happened so fast.  It's scary. 
I went home and laid in bed and cried until I fell asleep because the pain was so bad.  But when Jacob got home, he wanted me to get up. 
Last night I lost my balance in the pitch dark bathroom and stumbled into the tub.  My legs are pretty bruised up now.
Today I feel the same.  My pain is extreme. 
I don't feel like anyone cares anymore.  I don't feel like anyone believes me anymore.  I'm just in a hard place.
I know I can't continue to miss work.  I know I can't continue to miss out on Lexi's life.  But, I don't know what else to do for the pain. 
"Be tough."  "Stop being lazy."
I'm tired of hearing it.  I'm tired of being tough.  I'm tired of working through the pain.  I'm tired of trying to put on a happy face when all I really want to do is cry.
So I can't do it anymore.  I can't tell everyone that I'm fine when I'm not. I can't walk around smiling when I'm not happy.  I just can't.

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