Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I'm not ok

People ask me on a daily basis how I'm doing, or how I'm feeling.  My general response is fine, or ok.  But, I'm not ok. 
Yesterday I blacked out.  It happened so fast.  It's scary. 
I went home and laid in bed and cried until I fell asleep because the pain was so bad.  But when Jacob got home, he wanted me to get up. 
Last night I lost my balance in the pitch dark bathroom and stumbled into the tub.  My legs are pretty bruised up now.
Today I feel the same.  My pain is extreme. 
I don't feel like anyone cares anymore.  I don't feel like anyone believes me anymore.  I'm just in a hard place.
I know I can't continue to miss work.  I know I can't continue to miss out on Lexi's life.  But, I don't know what else to do for the pain. 
"Be tough."  "Stop being lazy."
I'm tired of hearing it.  I'm tired of being tough.  I'm tired of working through the pain.  I'm tired of trying to put on a happy face when all I really want to do is cry.
So I can't do it anymore.  I can't tell everyone that I'm fine when I'm not. I can't walk around smiling when I'm not happy.  I just can't.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Little Bitty Turns 3

When Lexi was born she weighed 5 pounds 5 oz and went to the NICU for 9 days.  Jacob's mom (Granny) started called her Little Bitty.  I always think about that now because she is so big, and tells us all the time that she's not a baby.

We had Lexi's 3rd birthday party today.  Her actual birthday is May 3, but this is the first free weekend we have had.  We went back and forth on themes, but she settled on Princess and the Frog.  I think she would watch that movie on repeat 24/7 if we would let her.  We found the package we wanted from Party City.  If you order in the store you can get free shipping to your home.  I was so excited when it came in this week.  It is so cute!  And filled with so many great things.  I didn't have to purchase anything extra to go with the supplies.

I wasn't sure how many people were going to show up to the party, but by last night I had a good feeling we were going to have a house full of people and I kinda started to panic.  And of course we cleaned like maniacs because this is the first time we are hosting a party in our new house...and some people had never been here before.

I went back and forth on what to do about a cake.  I really wanted to get her something to go with Princess and the Frog, but I kinda ran out of time and money.  So we happened to be walking through Aldi yesterday and saw these cute little ice cream cakes.  So we got 2 of those and called it good.

Lexi greeted everyone at the door and told them that it was her Princess and the Frog Birthday Party.

Thankfully Jacob's Nana called and told us she was bringing 2 card tables with chairs...so that gave us extra seating.


Mantle decorations

Cups, Forks, and Spoons
(The purple ones came with the package and I had the clear ones)

Plates

Napkins

Birthday Banner
(It came with tons of numbers to personalize it)

Balloons came in the package


I googled it, and it said these are called Party blowers

Table decorations



These invitations came with the package, but we ordered so late that we had already sent invitations out.  So I used a few of them to decorate the front door.

I could go on and on about how proud I am of my girl.  She did so great even though she didn't have a nap. She told everyone thank you and gave lots of hugs and kisses.  After everyone was gone she said, "I loved my party.  Everyone was here."  Yes indeed!  Everyone was here!
The cakes
I didn't taste it but everyone said it was really good.  And we had the perfect amount.

The beautiful birthday girl

When I think about this day I am so happy that I could cry.  I don't like the stress of preparing and wanting everything to be perfect.  But, when it came down to it...it was the perfect day.  We will leave the decorations up for a couple of days probably so Lexi can enjoy them more.  Thank you everyone for coming and making her day so special!  We love you!


Wednesday, May 16, 2012

My sick girl

Lexi is sick.  :(
She had some yucky green snot a couple mornings early this week.  No big deal, I've been suffering from allergies so I thought it was probably the same thing for her.  So Monday night I gave her some benadryl at bed time.  Jacob said she was pretty whiney Tuesday morning, but we all have our days right?!  So he took her to school like normal.  He got a text that morning (before lunch) that she was really not feeling well and running a 102 fever.  So he went and got her.  He came home and gave her some Advil.  She layed down on my pillow in front of the fan and fell asleep.  The fever came down some.  I ended up coming home early because I couldn't even function at work.  I was a nervous wreck.  I just didn't like the fact that I wasn't there with her.  I mean, I know Jacob is fully capable of taking care of her...but everyone needs their mama when they are sick right?!  She generally doesn't run a high fever...it might get to 99 or 100 but that's it.  So it had me worried.  She was fairly lethargic last night but we alternated Advil and Tylenol every 4 hours and it kept the fever around 100.  You could tell she just wasn't feeling good though.  Granny came over to see her and she wouldn't do anything except for lay in bed, and that's so not like her at all.  She ended up sleeping with me because I figured we would both sleep better if she was with me.  She slept pretty good, but I was still checking her temp and feeling her forehead all night.  Her fever came down overnight.  But she woke up this morning running a 101 temp again.  Jacob had his mom come over to watch her and call the dr.  They said to bring her in immediately.  She got there and wasn't running a fever, as I had given her Advil before I went to work.  They checked her for mono and strep and they both came back negative (thank goodness!)  They said one of her tonsils was a little swollen, but nothing major.  They checked her ears and amazingly enough she doesn't have an ear infection.  That's usually the culprit when she gets sick.  So they said it just was something viral and would have to run it's course.  It's good to know that there's nothing wrong with her, but that also means that there's no medicine to give her to make her better....just medicine to control the fever.  I ended up coming home at noon with a really bad migraine.  When I got here Jacob was taking her to McDonald's for lunch.  She was feeling much better and had no fever!  She acted pretty normal this afternoon, but then around 4 got really whiney so I took her temp and it was back up almost to 101 again.  So more advil for her.  Gave her some more medicine at bed time and put her in our bed.  It literally took her 2 minutes to fall asleep.  That's a sure sign that she's not feeling good...as she usually has to read and talk for at least 20 minutes before falling asleep.  Aunt Lisa is coming down tomorrow to watch her.  Hopefully her fever breaks overnight and stays down!  Her birthday party is this weekend, so we really don't want to have to cancel that.  She's been talking about it all week.
I know that was a really long post about just 2 days time, but I feel better just talking about her!  Say a prayer for my girl if you would!
                               My sick girl last night.  She looks much the same right now.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Letter to Lexi


3 years old!  Where has the time gone?  It seems like just yesterday you were a tiny baby, in a little isolette because you found it too cumbersome to retain your body heat.  And now…now you barely need me.
You have a big girl bed that you can get in and out of.  But mom or dad still has to tuck you in and turn on your music, and help you pick out which books you are taking to bed.
You use the big girl potty.  You don’t even need the tiny little girl potty anymore.  You use it as a step stool to get to the big potty.  And we rarely even know you need to go until you tell us that you’re finished and you need someone to turn the water on so you can wash your hands.
You can open the fridge to get your own string cheese.  But you still need one of us to open the package for you.
You passed your 2 year and 3 year “tests” at school with flying colors!  You are one smart princess!
You love to blow bubbles and play outside.
You love to wear your cowboy boots and cowboy hat all the time.
You push your step stool all around the kitchen so you can be involved in whatever is going on in there. 
You still don’t eat very much, and very rarely will try a new food.  But that’s ok.  You’re still healthy.
I love you!  And I hope I’m everything you need me to be as your mom!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Just a vent


This is just a vent.  Just my feelings right now.  I have to get it out there before it drives me crazy.

Currently I am in 24/7 debilitating migraine pain.  I miss too much work.  And no one cares.  Well, when I say no one cares that’s not exactly true.  Of course my family cares.  And I have a few friends who probably care.  But, the people I think should care, don’t.  Not going to name names, but my boss is one of them.  Of course, he’s probably never had a migraine, so he doesn’t get it.  The thing I get the most is “take some Tylenol and get over it.”  Umm, ok…if only it were that easy.  Geesh, I should have tried that a long time ago.
Because I’m pregnant it makes things worse.  That’s where I feel like I’m being written off by my dr’s.  My PCP straight-up said there was nothing they would do for me.  The “headache specialist” I was referred to tried one thing that didn’t work and now won’t return my calls or answer my messages.  My OB does care, but she’s limited in what she can do.  I mean, she’s an OB.  I have tried acupuncture, chiropractic adjustments, heat, cold, vicks, vaporizer, nasal spray, quiet rooms, sleep…all to no avail.  This headache won’t give up.  It’s determined to win.  And quite honestly…right now it is definitely winning. 
This isn’t living life.  This is barely struggling to get by.  It’s all I can do to get out of bed in the morning, work 9 hours, and go home.  It’s all I can do to manage to stay out of bed for 2-3 more hours until Lexi goes to bed.  I’m not the mom she deserves to have, and I’m not the wife my husband deserves to have.  At this point I don’t know where else to turn.
The fact that I’m pregnant throws a wrench in the system.  There’s only so much they can do for me until October. Then I can go back on my medicine and life will be good again.  But, October is a long ways away.  When you’re talking about 24/7 pain…that’s a long time.
I’m not lazy.  I am in pain.