Friday, June 22, 2012
*How far along?: 25 weeks 4 days
*Total weight gain: I think I'm still a couple pounds under what I was when I got pregnant...which was way too much.
*How big is baby?: The size of an eggplant. Approximately 1.6 pounds.
*Sleep?: I generally don't sleep for more than a couple hours at a time without having to wake up and use the potty.
*Best moment this week?: Having more pain-free days than pain-full days.
*Movement? He is definitely a mover. Constantly!
*Food cravings?: Nothing in particular, but when something happens to cross my mind I need it right now. *Labor signs?: Not yet, thank goodness
*Belly button in or out?: Still in. It never popped with Lexi so I don't expect it to this time either.
*What I miss: Being able to sleep on my belly.
*What I’m looking forward to: Jacob being able to feel more movement. Dr's appt on Monday so I will get to hear his heartbeat again.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Rex Allen, My baby boy. I wake up every day waiting to feel your movements. I could lay in bed and feel you move all day long and never get tired of it. I can't wait to see your face. What will you look like? Will you look like your big sister Lexi? Will you look like me or Daddy? Will you have red hair like your Poppy? What will your personality be like? I just can't wait. To say I love you more than life is an understatement. I live my whole life for your sister and you. You are my life. I walk around so proud just knowing that I have you inside of me. I just love you.
I'm struggling to get by. I have everything I could ever want in life. A husband, a daughter, a son on the way. A house, a job, a car. A family who loves me unconditionally. But, I'm struggling. This migraine is out of control. Going on 9 weeks of pain is miserable. It's unbearable. And it has changed me. There are days when I can't get out of bed. There are days when I get out of bed but struggle to make it through the day. My daughter doesn't know me outside of the bedroom. She is worried beyond belief. Her little 3 year old heart has so much compassion it's almost unbelievable. I think my husband hates me. Hate may be a strong word. But, it's what I feel is coming from him. Our relationship is struggling. And it's my fault. My work is suffering. I know I can't miss a day a week for the next 4 months and still keep my job. But how do I get by? I feel as if no one believes me anymore. No one believes that the pain won't go away. No one believes that there's nothing the drs can do. The drs don't know what to do. I say I can't do this and someone tells me I can. I say it's too hard and they say nothing is too hard. But it is. It's just too hard. I am letting someone down at every moment of the day. And that's too much for me to bear. I'm an over-achiever. It's in my personality to make people happy. I don't want anyone to ever be upset with me. I don't want anyone to ever feel let down by me. But, that's all I do lately. Let people down. I don't live up to anyone's standards. No, I'm not depressed. I'm in pain. Is there a difference anymore? I'm in bed either way. I cry every day either way. But, I know in my heart that this isn't the feeling of depression. I know what that feels like. I take a pill for that every day. That's one pill I won't miss, because I know what happens if I do. I would do anything to feel better. Anything. I would do anything to not let everyone down. I would do anything to mend my relationships and make everything normal again. I would do anything.
Friday, June 8, 2012
First thing...I got to come home from the hospital today! So excited to be back in my own bed. But tonight I got this overwhelming sadness. At first I couldn't really explain it. I mean, I am home...Lexi is home...we're all together...pain is a little better, so I should be good right?!? The more I started thinking about it, the more it started to make sense. I am scared of the pain coming back full force. I'm scared to wake up tomorrow with an 8 on the pain scale...which has been the norm up until today. I wanted to come home from the hospital more than anything, but I didn't realize how nice it was to know that a nurse would be checking on me all day, and if I needed anything I could just push the little red button. I'm scared of having to manage the pain on my own at home. I'm scared that if the pain comes back how will I function. The past few days if I was in pain it didn't really matter because my only job was to lay there and try to feel better. But now that I'm home I have other normal things that I have to do...go to work, take care of my daughter. I'm scared that if the pain comes back there are some people who won't handle it gently. Then Jacob informed me today that we just aren't going to have the money to make the trip to Dallas to hang out with my best girlfriends at the end of this month. I have been looking forward to this trip since the day I left Dallas after our trip last year. So, bummed doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Devastated is more like it. I completely understand and I am not angry with him in the least for this. Then, as per my nature, I have extreme guilt. I am already worried about the hospital bills for this little adventure we were on this week. Not just regular hospital bills, but the MRI cost also. I am worried about my lack of a paycheck next week. I am guilty for the fact that my mom missed a lot of work this week, which will also affect her paycheck. I feel guilty because of the stress and worry I put on Jacob and the rest of my family. I have a million things going on in my head. I need to finish 1 baby blanket, do another for friends. I need to do a baby blanket for Kristin, and also one for baby Rex. I need to plan a baby shower for Kristin and buy her gifts. There's just a lot still going on in my head. So needless to say, I still need prayers.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Today was my second full day here. There is really nothing new to report. I still have pain. I woke up this morning and rated my pain as an 8. When Jacob got here my food tray was already here but I couldn't even force my eyes open. I eventually ate my breakfast and felt a little better. I got pain meds at 1:30 and then slept for a while. It wasn't a hard sleep, I could still hear everyone in the room but I once again felt like I couldn't force my eyes open. When I did wake up in a couple hours I was feeling (much) better. I ranked my pain as a 5 and I didn't ask for more pain meds at 5:30. We were waiting all day for an internal medicine consult. They finally came right before 7 and stayed approximately 3 minutes. I didn't understand what his plans were and I was still hopeful about going home tonight, so Jacob chased him down the hall. He thinks the neurontin needs to build up in my system. He may increase the dose tomorrow. The general consensus between him and my ob is that I willnot be going home until the pain ia gone. That's a scary thought considering I have beenin pain for 7 weeks. So when Jacob came back in and told me that I pretty much had a breakdown. I want to go home! I feel like I can rest and take pills at home. Jacob immediately called my mom who got me calmed down. I got pain meds at 8. The nurse told me not to wait too long in between so the pain doesn't get intolerable. I have been sweating like crazy in here. Everyone keeps talking about how cold it is but I literally feel like my bed is an oven. The fan is missing from my room so that sucks. Keeping my fingers crossed that I have a good night and get to go home tomorrow. Lexi is coming home after being gone for a week so I want to be there not here. I have tried to keep everyone updated as much as possible. It has been hard to keep up with all the texts and tweets. Eventually I will get my Thanks out to everyone. I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers so much. ignore any typos! I am using the kindle fire and I'm still not used to the keypad.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Well I beat my own record of having to go to labor and delivery. 23 weeks 1 day this time. The past few days my migraine has been getting worse and worse. I have slept for less than 6 hrs since Saturday because of the pain. Today I got to work and started throwing up. It was pretty uncontrollable so i went home. I called my ob because I was concerned with getting dehydrated,and of course the pain. My ob called me back and told me to come to labor and delivery to be admitted for 24 hrs. I got here and they did bloodwork and started iv fluids. I got a couple pain pills and dozed for a second. The pain is still on about the same level. I think the plan is to do an mri tomorrow. Hopefully it comes back clear. I'm sure it will because it always does. Jacob went home to sleep and I'm starving. Off to hopefully get some sleep.