Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Depression-The Real Deal

This topic has been weighing heavily on my mind for a few days.  I'm not really sure why.  It kinda set in after Christmas.  My husband has talked about the "after Christmas blues" and I have always kind of blown it off.  I don't recall ever feeling that way.  But this year I did.  Wondering if I did enough to make Christmas special for my kids.  Sad that the season of giving was over. 

My battles with depression started around 2005-2006.  I was in a job that I hated, I couldn't get pregnant, and it seemed like nothing was going my way.  It took me a long time to recognize what was actually going on, but I finally got in to see my dr about it.  He diagnosed me with not only depression, but anxiety also.  I have taken a whole variety of medications over the years.  It seems like they work for a while and then lose effectiveness.  When I got pregnant I thought all the depression feelings would go away.  But it seemed like they got worse.  I took Prozac through my whole pregnancy with Lexi.  My dr and I discussed the options and felt like it would be healthier for me to stay on it.  It worked and all was well.  I battled post partum depression.  It was awful.  I contemplated suicide, and landed myself in the ER and subsequently a psychologist's office once a week for months.  Since I got it under control that time it has been pretty well maintained.  I won't say that I always have great days.  But, I definitely don't feel like that all the time. 

Why can't you just be happy?  I don't know.  I thought it was something I could talk myself through, pray myself through.  But it's not.  That may not be a favorable answer in the Christian community.  But, no amount of prayer alone is going to fix my depression.  There is something chemically wrong in my brain.  That's not an easy escape.  That's not me taking the easy way out.  That's how it is. 

But you have a perfect life. In many aspects, yes.  My life is perfect.  I have an amazing husband, two beautiful miracle babies, a dream job, and a home. Plus tons of family members who love and support me.  But that doesn't change what's going on in my head.  Becoming a mom probably made it worse.  Because not only do I have to worry about failing myself and my husband, but now I have to worry about failing my children.  All moms fail.  It's the #1 thing I would tell a new mom.  Get used to it.  You are going to always feel like you are failing your children.  We set too high of standards for ourselves.  Plain and simple.

What are your depression symptoms?  The number one thing for me is the overwhelming inability to get out of bed.  Literally.  For the past 7 years at least, I have woken up every morning and counted down the hours until I could go back to bed.  Sometimes I can't get out of bed.  That is weak of me.  But there are some days when I just can't do it.  Before Jacob and I had kids I would come home from work, shower, and go to bed.  He hated it.  It wasn't that I didn't want to be around him.  I just wanted to be alone. 
I'm not sure if insomnia is caused by depression but I sure as hell have it.  Sometimes it's worse than others...typically when I'm pregnant.  And that makes getting out of bed in the morning that much more fun.
I have taken handfuls of Tylenol pm just in the hopes to sleep for a few hours.  To no avail.  It just doesn't work.
Lack of interest is another big one.  I used to do things like scrapbook, crochet, craft.  Not anymore.  I will pick up my crochet occasionally, but not near as often as I used to. 

Sadly, I still fight these battles every single day.  I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.  I count down the hours until I can go back to bed.  I can say that I don't call into work anymore just because of depression.  I lost 2 jobs because of that.

I fight every day.   I fight to be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend.  But some days, it's fighting a losing battle.

No comments:

Post a Comment