Friday, March 22, 2013

What it's like...

Warning:  You are all (ok, the 4 people who might read this) invited to my own personal pity party.  Feel free to leave if you want to.

It has become painfully obvious to me that I'm just not good enough for some people.  I put on a good front though.  I say it doesn't bother me.  Screw them if they don't like me.  It's their loss.  But that's not really how I feel. I will lay awake for hours thinking about it.  I will cry myself to sleep over it. And then I'll get up tomorrow and start all over again.

You see, I was never a popular kid.  Sure I had friends.  I played sports, was in band, did lots of activities.  But I just wasn't it.  We weren't rich.  We weren't what I would call poor, and my mom busted her butt to give us everything we wanted.  But you know those kids that have everything they want and more?  Yeah, I wasn't one of them.  Don't get me wrong....I don't exactly want to be one of them.  But why couldn't I be friends with them?  I'm nice.  I have a good heart.  I think I'm funny.  I'm smart.  But, it's still not enough.

Skip ahead a few years into adulthood, and it doesn't get any better.  Actually it gets worse.  At least when you have school activities you feel like you fit in....even if those people are forced to hang out with you.  When you're an adult....that's not the case.

Sure I have friends at work.  We're there 40+ hrs a week together and we all get along.  We go to lunch, and crack jokes.  We might even occassionally text outside of work.

I have facebook friends...most of them family, or people I went to school with. 

I have twitter friends.  I'm not even sure if that could be considered friends though.  Because out of the 400 some odd people that I "follow" I probably only get feedback from a handful of them....and most of the ones who do talk to me are family.

I have some infertility message board friends, also known as the NDB's that are scattered across the United States.  They are pretty much family.  I can tell them anything.  And I could call them anytime I needed to chat.  But they aren't close enough to hang out.

So that leaves real life, we could hang out, I could call you anytime and you would be there, friends.  Let's count them up......0.......
That's it.  None.  There's not a single person (outside of family) that I feel like I could call and ask to hang out and they would do it.  There's not anyone that I feel like I could call in the middle of the night and they would be there.

Why is that?  Why can't I have friends?  Obviously it has something to do with me. 
But I wish someone would just be honest, and tell me what it is about me that is so unlikeable.

I have a dry sense of humor.  My husband gets it.  He laughs at me.  But he's about the only one.  I just get weird stares from other people. 

I have my guard up.  Because I already know that I won't fit in, why let anyone get close enough to let me down? 

Let's just say I have issues. 

I don't know where I'm even going with this post.  But I felt like I had to get it out there somewhere. 

Thanks for reading.  And I promise that my next post will be more upbeat. :)

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