Wednesday, May 15, 2013

the raw truth

I'm sorry that I complain a lot. I know no one wants to hear it all the time. But I use social media as a venting place.

This post is going to be brutally honest.
Lately I haven't been in a great place mentally. Physically my surgery and recovery were hard.  Mentally it was hard. What was supposed to be a laparoscopic outpatient surgery turned into 4 days in the hospital with a drain in my side. After I came home I struggled with how to make Jacob understand how much pain I was in. And I felt like a failure once again. Why couldn't my body just be normal? Would everyone think I was faking?
During that time I quit doing my bible study. And I can feel the devil working in my life. I don't like it one bit.

After my surgery I got a cold that knocked me down pretty hard. I guess after surgery your immune system can go down. Once again, so people think I'm faking?
I have sleep issues. As on, I don't sleep. I take an insane amount of meds each night hoping for a few hours of sleep. I never sleep for more than 2 hrs at a time. This does not make it any easier to manage my depression or my migraines.

Lately I have been plagued with crippling anxiety. I feel like I'm ready to jump out of my skin. But is this something that's all in my head?

Jacob is gone this week. I have managed amazingly well. I haven't lost my temper once. But I haven't slept for more than 4 hours each night since he's been gone. I guess I just need him here.

Tonight I slipped on the wet steps and fell. This is the second time I've done this. The first time I didn't really think too much about it. The steps were brand new and I had on flip flops. I had already been up and down the steps with the kids with no problems tonight. Then I remembered my coffee cup was still in the car, so I went out to get it. The first time I fell my feet went out from under me and I slid down on my butt. Tonight I fell off the side and landed on my right knee pretty hard. Immediately I went into panic mode. What if I would have been carrying Rex? What if it would have been Lexi? As exhausted as I am, I know I won't sleep tonight because of the anxiety I'm having....about the what ifs. Once again, to someone without anxiety, it's all in your head. But I can't turn it off.

I am constantly feeling like I have to prove myself to someone. Even with this post.
I feel like I have to prove myself at work. Even though I have been there almost 3 years. I feel like to some of the men in the office, I'm just a young girl who doesn't know what she's doing. And I definitely can't fill the shoes of my predecessor. (shout out to Teresa, the best purchasing agent I know.) I don't have her years of experience or all the knowledge that was stored in her brain, but I feel like I'm damn good at my job.

I feel like I have to prove myself at home. If I have a migraine, Jacob automatically jumps to thinking it's depression. Do I fault him for that? No! I spent many years, and eventually lost 2 jobs due to depression ruling my life. I claimed migraine when I didn't always have one. Because your boss doesn't care if you are so depressed that you can't get out of bed to eat, let alone come to work. But those days are over. I have (semi) control over my depression. So if I say I'm sick...then I am actually sick.

I feel like I have to prove myself to other moms. That I am a good mom. But as much as I want everyone else to believe that, I don't believe it myself. I will never get over the fact that I didn't pump for longer either time. I will never get over the fact that on my daughter's 8 month birthday I contemplated taking a handful of pills. I will never get over the fact that Rex spent the night in the children's hospital because I gave him an antibiotic that he possibly didn't even need.

I guess the main point of this drawn out story is that when I post something, I am not looking for sympathy. And I'm not begging for complements. I just want people to know the real me. What's going on inside my head. What it's like to be me.

If you made it through the whole blog....thank you for reading. Thank you for caring. And thank you for loving me despite my (huge) flaws.

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