Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Depression

Why do I feel this way?
I have an amazing husband, 2 wonderful children, an entire family who love and support me.  But I'm sinking.
It starts out slow.  You might not notice it at first.  "I'm just having a bad day." But suddenly there are more bad days than good ones. 
I feel stupid.  There is no reason for me to be depressed.  Yet I am.
I take my medication.  Never miss a dose.  The dosage has been increased... within the last 6 months. But it's not enough.
Obviously.
I have found myself wanting to just be alone.  It's worse at night.  I was never diagnosed with PPD after having Rex.  And I never felt as bad as when I had it after I had Lexi. But every night I would go to bed and cry.  That's what it's like right now. I just want to lay in bed and cry.  But I don't really have a reason. Other than that there is obviously a chemical imbalance in my brain. 
I don't sleep. This isn't a new thing.  I started taking Tylenol PM when I was in college. So you can imagine the tolerance I have built up to that over 12 years. Same thing with ambien. I can literally take it and function like normal. On a good night it takes 2 hours to fall asleep.  Sleep lasts for 2 hours and then I'm awake for at least 30 minutes.  Then another 2 hours. Some night it takes 4-5 hours to fall asleep. I'm sure lack of sleep contributes to depression, although I have no statistics on that.
I honestly don't know why I'm writing this, or if I will even publish it. 
I don't expect sympathy. And I definitely don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. It's just kinda therapeutic to get the words on "paper" and out of my head.
All I want is to feel normal.  Fall asleep at a normal time.  Wake up to my alarm, and not dread getting out of bed. Spend the day not counting down the hours until I can go back to bed.
I have to put this out there also... this has nothing to do with Jacob. It's not a lack of love on his part. And I know he will feel like he should be doing something different.  But in all honesty, I don't think there is anything he could do that would make this any different for me. I love him, Lexi, and Rex with my whole heart.  And there will never be anything that would cause me to do something stupid to lose them.  Sorry rumor mill, gossip queens, I'm not committing suicide, or leaving my husband. :)
Jacob, bless his heart, has put up with my nonsense for 12 years now.  And he's still there.  Right beside me, loving me unconditionally.  Even when I deserve it the least.  He didn't know when we said our vows in 2005 that sickness would come before health.  He didn't know about the roller coaster he just signed up to ride.   He didn't know he would play nurse for days/weeks at a time while I am down with a migraine.  He didn't know there would be crazy phone calls begging him to come home.  Trips to the ER, Urgent Care, and Therapists have filled our almost 10 years of marriage.  I'm sure he didn't sign up for that. 
My kids didn't ask to have a mom who has spent weeks in bed with migraine after migraine.  Lexi shouldn't already know how to be my nurse.  She shouldn't even know what a headache is.  She shouldn't be able to see me come in the door, know something is wrong, and tell me to go lay down.  She shouldn't know that. 
They deserve so much more.
Jacob deserves a wife who cooks and cleans.  A wife who is bursting at the seams to see him when she gets home. 
My kids deserve a mom who could play with them for hours. Lexi doesn't deserve the fear she gets when I'm sick, that I will have to go back to the hospital and stay.  They don't deserve that. 
I am so so so blessed.  So someone please, please, explain to me, why do I feel this way?

2 comments:

  1. It's not your fault. Like you said, it's a chemical imbalance in your brain. It's a disease. It's not your fault mama. <3

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  2. {{{hugs}}} girl. I was feeling the same way! Maybe it is time for you to sit down with your Dr. and find a medication that will work better for you! Obviously the one you are taking is not it. I am always here if you need to chat! Try and keep your chin up!

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