Tuesday, December 16, 2014

the hard stuff

So I posted the update blog, getting everyone up to date on what's been going on. But then there's some stuff that I didn't feel like fit in with that blog. Mainly the stuff no one wants to hear. But I use this as a place where I can keep it real. So...
I feel myself slipping into depression more. It has happened enough times that I can recognize it now. I haven't been as on top of some of my meds since I lost my insurance. It's just that I get up every day and do the same things. Every day. I'm going through a rough place with parenting, where no matter the punishment, my kids refuse to listen to me. So I feel like I'm constantly punishing someone, or yelling at someone. I'm also dealing with nearly fail migraines. Part of me feels like I do a pretty good job of toughing it out. But another part of me knows I am failing.
thank God Jacob has been a saint through all of this. Sending me to bed early while he takes care of the kids. But even when he sends me to bed I am still going over it in my mind and calling myself a failure and a bad mom.
another issue is sleep...or the lack thereof. I am lucky to get 5 broken hours of sleep. I don't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I have built up a tolerance to everything....so Ambien is hit or miss if it will work. Benadryl is my next go-to med. But I don't tell anyone how many I take per night. And even then...it takes 2 hours to fall asleep and only sleep for 2 hours.
well, enough complaining. Lexi is calling me to read her a bedtime story. If you made it to the end....thank you! It means more than you know.

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