I make more than my fair share.
But I still consider myself to be a good person. But do good people really make these stupid mistakes?
Sometimes something so innocent, something that seems trivial, can be blown up to monstrous proportions. That happened to me. And I don't know how to handle it. I've mentioned before that I'm a do-er. I am not comfortable sitting on the sidelines and letting things happen as they will. I'm not good at letting "what will be, will be."
I told a lie.
The first question is naturally, "Why did you lie?" The stupid answer is I don't know. I've asked myself that a million times since the incident. There isn't a simple answer. In this situation, I lied to save face. I will admit that it was "easier" to me to just tell a small simple lie. I lied because I didn't think the situation was as bad as it was. I thought it was a minor disagreement that would blow over no matter what happened. I lied because I avoid confrontation like the plague. I lied because I hate myself enough for 10 people, so I don't need to hear someone else tell me how horrible of a person I am.
It was wrong. Lying was wrong. Plain and simple.
Immediately, and I mean within minutes, of me telling the lie, I told the truth. Because my heart wouldn't let it go. Because I'm a good person (?) I knew telling the lie was wrong. This made the situation escalate even more. So now in my head I'm thinking geesh, I was better off just telling the lie and letting it go. But that wouldn't work either because it still would have eaten me up inside. So I "took my licks." I let the person tell me exactly what they thought of me. And that's all. I apologized. But "sorry" seems so insignificant when someone is that upset with you. But, I don't know what else I could do. So I repeatedly apologized.
That should be the end of the story right?! Well it's not. I'm absolutely not trying to make this a pity party for myself. Lying was wrong, and I get that. And I get that the person is upset with me. And maybe we will move on and maybe we won't. Only time will tell. But in the complete honesty that I try to keep on this blog, I have to also include my feelings. As I said, I have made myself completely consumed by this situation. Replaying it over and over in my head. Calling myself every name in the book. Telling myself everything the devil wants me to believe about myself.
A lot of emotions were brought out of me from this whole situation.
I was placed in a situation where no matter what I did, I would be lying to one person or the other. My life is pretty much an open book. Whatever I'm feeling, I let people know. When I miscarried 3 times, everyone knew. It wasn't because I wanted sympathy. It's because I wanted prayers. That is a weight that I could not carry alone. And if I put my pain out there, other people could help me carry my burden. I take for granted that not everyone is like that. Some people are more private than I am. Do I completely understand it? No. But I do respect it.
Family is family. Plain and simple. I have 1 living grandmother left on this earth. And I will not lie to her. If she asks me a question, point blank...I'm going to answer her. Some may agree and some may disagree. These are just MY feelings and MY opinions. I have seen my Grandma bear the weight of the world on her shoulders. I have seen my Grandma have her feelings hurt in a way that no one should ever experience. A lot of people in my town have their own opinions of my Grandma. But no matter what you THINK you know...you have no idea. You have no idea that for every single time you thought she was just being nosey, she was trying to get specifics so she would know how best to pray for you. She is one of the best people I know. No matter what you THINK you know about her.
From the beginning of my journey through infertility I knew I had a purpose. If I had to go through this, I would learn everything I could learn about it. And no one that I knew would ever have to walk that journey alone. Because I was that girl. That girl that had no clue what was happening with my body. That girl that was hopelessly googling things trying to find answers. I don't want anyone else to have to do that. I want to be THAT person for someone else. That is another reason why throughout my infertility I have been completely open and honest. If I keep everything a secret, then no one will know that they can come to me for help, or just to talk. Because of this situation I have placed myself in, I have ruined that relationship. And that probably hurts the most. Because I want to be THAT person, and I know that this person will never ever come to me with an issues. That hurts. That hurts because I would be the first person at your door the day something bad happens to you. But that will not be.
I guess what I'm getting at with all this rambling is that sometimes, good people make bad decisions. Hopefully by putting this out there, someone else can avoid the bad decisions I have made. Hopefully, I can convince myself that even though I made a really bad decision, that I am still a good person.