Sunday, May 17, 2015

Mistakes

Mistakes....
I make more than my fair share.
But I still consider myself to be a good person.  But do good people really make these stupid mistakes? 
I'm probably  definitely harder on myself than anyone else would be. I also battle mental illness.  So I don't know if the feeling I get after making a mistake is a normal feeling or not.  I know that I will get physically ill.  I will lose sleep.  I will ask myself "Why did you do that?" over and over. 

Sometimes something so innocent, something that seems trivial, can be blown up to monstrous proportions.  That happened to me.  And I don't know how to handle it.  I've mentioned before that I'm a do-er.  I am not comfortable sitting on the sidelines and letting things happen as they will.  I'm not good at letting "what will be, will be." 

I told a lie.
The first question is naturally, "Why did you lie?"  The stupid answer is I don't know.  I've asked myself that a million times since the incident.  There isn't a simple answer.  In this situation, I lied to save face.  I will admit that it was "easier" to me to just tell a small simple lie.  I lied because I didn't think the situation was as bad as it was.  I thought it was a minor disagreement that would blow over no matter what happened.  I lied because I avoid confrontation like the plague.  I lied because I hate myself enough for 10 people, so I don't need to hear someone else tell me how horrible of a person I am. 

It was wrong.  Lying was wrong. Plain and simple.
Immediately, and I mean within minutes, of me telling the lie, I told the truth.  Because my heart wouldn't let it go.  Because I'm a good person (?) I knew telling the lie was wrong.  This made the situation escalate even more.  So now in my head I'm thinking geesh, I was better off just telling the lie and letting it go.  But that wouldn't work either because it still would have eaten me up inside.  So I "took my licks."  I let the person tell me exactly what they thought of me.  And that's all.  I apologized.  But "sorry" seems so insignificant when someone is that upset with you.  But, I don't know what else I could do.  So I repeatedly apologized. 

That should be the end of the story right?!  Well it's not.  I'm absolutely not trying to make this a pity party for myself.  Lying was wrong, and I get that.  And I get that the person is upset with me.  And maybe we will move on and maybe we won't.  Only time will tell.  But in the complete honesty that I try to keep on this blog, I have to also include my feelings.  As I said, I have made myself completely consumed by this situation.  Replaying it over and over in my head.  Calling myself every name in the book.  Telling myself everything the devil wants me to believe about myself. 

A lot of emotions were brought out of me from this whole situation.

 I was placed in a situation where no matter what I did, I would be lying to one person or the other.  My life is pretty much an open book.  Whatever I'm feeling, I let people know.  When I miscarried 3 times, everyone knew.  It wasn't because I wanted sympathy.  It's because I wanted prayers.  That is a weight that I could not carry alone.  And if I put my pain out there, other people could help me carry my burden.  I take for granted that not everyone is like that.  Some people are more private than I am.  Do I completely understand it?  No.  But I do respect it. 

Family is family.  Plain and simple.  I have 1 living grandmother left on this earth.  And I will not lie to her.  If she asks me a question, point blank...I'm going to answer her.  Some may agree and some may disagree.  These are just MY feelings and MY opinions.  I have seen my Grandma bear the weight of the world on her shoulders.  I have seen my Grandma have her feelings hurt in a way that no one should ever experience.  A lot of people in my town have their own opinions of my Grandma.  But no matter what you THINK you know...you have no idea.  You have no idea that for every single time you thought she was just being nosey, she was trying to get specifics so she would know how best to pray for you.  She is one of the best people I know.  No matter what you THINK you know about her. 

From the beginning of my journey through infertility I knew I had a purpose.  If I had to go through this, I would learn everything I could learn about it.  And no one that I knew would ever have to walk that journey alone.  Because I was that girl.  That girl that had no clue what was happening with my body.  That girl that was hopelessly googling things trying to find answers.  I don't want anyone else to have to do that.  I want to be THAT person for someone else.  That is another reason why throughout my infertility I have been completely open and honest.  If I keep everything a secret, then no one will know that they can come to me for help, or just to talk.  Because of this situation I have placed myself in, I have ruined that relationship.  And that probably hurts the most.  Because I want to be THAT person, and I know that this person will never ever come to me with an issues.  That hurts.  That hurts because I would be the first person at your door the day something bad happens to you.  But that will not be. 

I guess what I'm getting at with all this rambling is that sometimes, good people make bad decisions.  Hopefully by putting this out there, someone else can avoid the bad decisions I have made.  Hopefully, I can convince myself that even though I made a really bad decision, that I am still a good person. 

Friday, May 8, 2015

This post has been running around in my head for weeks.  I hesitate to even post because really, no one likes a complainer.  But I have to get it out of my head, or it just might explode.

Things have been tough lately.  Really since losing my job (again.)  Depression seems to come and go, but I feel like I have had more down days, than up lately.  I just feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water.  I feel like what I do during the day, here at home, doesn't at all make up for the fact that I should have a job and be bringing in a steady income.  Yes I'm looking for a job.  I'm searching job sites almost every day.  In the mean time I have been crocheting up a storm, and trying to sell the stuff I make.  I have done ok. But obviously nowhere near a steady income.  I lay awake in bed at night after everyone else has gone to sleep, just thinking about all the things I haven't done, and all the ways I am falling short.   It sucks.  It just sucks.  There's no other way to put it.  Yes, I love my time here with Rex Allen during the day.  He is talking up a storm, and doing really well with everything.  And I will feel bad when I have to send him back to daycare someday.  I just don't do well as a stay at home mom.  I never have.  I need adult conversation.  I need a reason to get dressed every day and leave the house.  Next week is the last week of school...and frankly....that's when I'm really going to go crazy.  My kids are great 90% of the time.  But that other 10%...holy heck they can be monsters.  I just don't know how I'm going to do it. 

And I don't know how Jacob is handling all this as well as he is.  He has 100% financial control, so I know he has to be stressed about me not working, but he doesn't show it.  But all that does is make me feel worse because I do show my stress and emotion so easily. 

Anyways, I don't really know where this post is going.  But like I said, I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head.