Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Lexi and Rex

My babies,

I know I'm so far behind in my letters to you.  So tonight you are getting a combined letter.

You may not realize it now, but I love you more than life.   That is something that you won't understand until you have kids of your own one day. 
You are my reason for living and breathing.  You are the reason I get out of bed every day.

Rex,  you probably won't remember all my times spent in bed, because it isn't as bad as it used to be.  But Lexi, I know you will remember it.  I know you will remember sneaking in and snuggling up close to me and being my sweet little nurse.  You have more compassion in your tiny little body than most grown adults have. 
I'm sorry that you have to remember that.  I'm trying to do better and make better memories for you now.

I know at times it seems like I'm so frustrated, and as Lexi has put it this week that I "don't like you."  But that could never be true.  I could never not like you.  You will always be my babies.  The babies I fought and struggled to bring into this world.  And I will always always love you.  I may not like some decisions you make, and I know we are going to have rough times as you all get older. But, I love you so very much. 

Lexi, you are the smartest girl I know.  You have been in first grade for 3 whole days and you have already read your entire reading textbook. 
Rex Allen, you are my baby boy.  I always want to be the lady in your life.  I know someday someone will come in and steal you away from me.  But, you will always be my baby.  Since starting back to school (daycare) you have gotten so smart!  I catch you all alone in your room singing your abc's.  And you love to count. 

You both have my temper....and for that I am sorry!  You will deal with that your entire life.  And hopefully, soon, you will learn to tame it down.  Mommy is still working on that one.

I feel like I'm missing out on so much this school year already.  I almost cried the first day when Rex wasn't in the backseat to tell me "no goo goo gains" at the railroad tracks.  I miss being there to pick you up from school, Lexi.  So you can talk nonstop the whole way home.  I miss hanging out with Rex Allen all day, and being the only one that can understand his gibberish.

I hope you know why I have to work, and be away from home all day.  I hope you can understand that everything I do is for you.

When things get rough...and they will...I will wish I could take all your pain away.  And I probably won't be able to.  But you can always know that you have someone who loves you no matter what!  You could never do anything to take my love away from you. 

Mama loves you, my babies.

Saturday, August 8, 2015


I was blessed with 2 of the very best sisters I could ever hope for.  Sure we fought like cats and dogs growing up...what 3 girls don't?  But now, there's nothing that could come between us.  They (and my mom) are the first people I go to when I have problems, or big news (after Jacob.)  We share everything.  I will be the first one to stick up for them in a fight, and I have no doubts that they would do the same for me.  I realize that many people do not have this blessing in their lives, and how lucky I truly am to have them. And to be so close to them. 

Through my journey with infertility I met a lot of women who have become my "unbiological" sisters.  And the same goes for them.  We are close.  Closer than many women could ever be.  Some of these women I have never even met face to face.  Yet they know the deepest, darkest parts of me.  They know the good, the bad, and the in between.  We know where each other are at in our cycles.  We know the names of spouses, and children.  Birthdays and anniversaries.  We are truly family.  I first got to meet a few of them several years ago in Dallas, TX.  I had Jacob and Lexi with me.  As soon as we walked into that hotel, Lexi went running down the hall to her Auntie Lorrie, whom she had never even met.  We sat in that hotel room, and by the pool, for hours that weekend.  Just talking, laughing, and crying.  We walked around the mall.  They bought Lexi presents and carousel rides. We even had to pull off the highway so we could give one of our sisters an injection to help sustain her newly implanted eggie.  And when we left to go home, I cried.  The next year we had an even bigger trip to Texas.  All girls.  15 of us total I think.  We had the time of our lives.  And when we left to go home, I cried again.  Last year we went to Alabama.  This year a few of us made it to Branson, MO last weekend.  I had to fight tooth and nail to be able to make it.  With a new job, and an entire family that was sick....it wasn't easy to make the trip.  But, I'm so glad I did.  I didn't cry when I left, but I wanted to.  I've been thinking about this post all week.  I've told Jacob before, the only bad thing about spending a weekend with these sisters, is that I miss them so terribly when I come home.  Because, if I never met them face to face, I wouldn't know what it was like, and then I wouldn't miss them.  But I do.  I miss them so so bad.  I miss the ones that I haven't seen in years. And I miss the ones I just saw last weekend. 

See, in real life....ya know, the one outside the confines of facebook and the internet....I kinda suck at being friends.  I'm a homebody, and I'm lazy, and as soon as I get home I take off my bra and put on my nightgown.  I'm awkward, and I don't feel like I ever really fit in.  But those girls, my sisters, they get me.  They laugh at my jokes.  They cry when I cry.  They know me.  They get me.  They love me.  So coming back to the real world kinda sucks a little. 

To my sisters, the biological kind, and the unbiological kind.....please know this....There isn't a thing in this world that I wouldn't do for you.  I know people say that all the time.  But, I mean it.  I'm being real here.  Call me.  Anytime.  If you need to share good news and laugh.  Or if you just want to scream at me because there's no one else to scream at.  I will listen.  I will be there. 

I guess that's one of the kinda weird things about me.  I love hard.  I love deep.  I fall hard and fast, and even if I get hurt in the end...it was worth it because I made someone feel love.  But in that deep, hard, love....there is pain.  Because with every cycle that didn't turn out for you, I hurt with you.  For every mean word that someone says, I hurt too. 

Tonight, I am crying happy tears because I have sisters who love me unconditionally. 
But, I'm also crying sad tears.  One of my dear sisters, Misty, lost her Daddy today.  I'm crying with her, and for her.  Because I cannot even imagine that pain.  And I'm here, one state away, feeling completely helpless, and not knowing what to do for my friend.  Please pray for her.  I'm selfishly crying for myself because this is the third friend I have had this year to lose a parent.  And I'm not ready for that to start happening.  I am so blessed to have had dinner with my parents just tonight.  But I'm not ready for a time without them.  Please friends, if you have a stressed relationship with your family....try to reach out to them.  Because you just never never know when the time will come that you don't have them anymore.