Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Life...it isn't always sunshine and roses

So, this may not be a typical blog...but it may be.  Because I don't really blog enough for anything to be typical.

Yesterday someone asked me how I was doing.  I responded, "ok." The person responded back, "just ok?!" Like they were taken aback by my response.  When did it become not acceptable to respond with how you truly feel?!?  I'm not ok with that!  99.9% of the time I'm going to lie and tell you I'm great.  IT'S A LIE.  And I say it to make YOU feel ok with going about the rest of your day.
I should be able to be honest.  I should be able to say "I'm not doing so hot right now" without the fear of what you are going to think about me.  Why do I have to be 110% 110% of the time?!?

IDK...this is rambling...and seriously...GOD BLESS YOU if you make it through the entire blog without giving up on me.  I'm not a writer.  I will never claim to be.  Mostly I blog to get stuff out of my head because it quite literally might explode if I don't ever get it out.  And I'm terrible about telling people, even the ones I love, how I really feel.  So doing it over the interwebs kinda makes it less awkward for me.

Anyways...so maybe my depression is at an all time low/high...whichever way you want to look at it.  I have every reason in the world to be the happiest person on the planet...but yet I find myself muddling through every single day. I'm going to tell you I'm fine. If you ask me tomorrow, or 5 minutes from now, I'm going to tell you that I'm fine.  Because I know what it's like to lay in bed at night and worry about something you can't fix or change.  And I don't want ANYONE in my life to lay in bed at night and worry about me. Quite honestly, it's not worth it.  I will be the first one to tell you that the lack of sleep and the high blood pressure and the extra stress is not worth it.  But at this point...right here, right now...there is 1 reason I get out of bed every day.  And let me tell you, it's not a good reason.  And it's not a reason any of you would guess.

I feel so lost and at the end of my rope.  My dr's keep telling me there is nothing else they can do for the fact that I might sleep 4-5 hours a night.  There's nothing else they can do for me.  So, can I claim that as an excuse for falling asleep at the wheel in the morning on the way to work and seriously injuring or killing someone?  Yes, that's dramatic...but it's true.

I've started to get stress migraines again.  I need to get back on botox...but I cannot afford it.  I also have a hard time taking the preventive medicine because it makes me drowsy during the day...and who needs that?!

I don't have a full time, permanent job.  Yes, I have a job.  And for that, I am VERY grateful.  But it is on a temporary basis. They could let me go any day, and I would have no basis for even getting unemployment.  I have no benefits there, and because I live in the quite awesome state of Oklahoma, my "OBAMACARE" is so expensive that next year I will probably just have to take the penalty for not having insurance.

This was not meant to be a big complaint or a whine-fest.  But, like I said...maybe if I get some of it out of my head, I will get a couple more minutes of sleep tonight.  Congrats if you made it through.  You don't have to leave comments, because I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that.