Friday, May 6, 2016

ramblings

I wish I could make my brain believe all the nice things people say about me. Kind. Compassionate caring. Big heart. But it just won't do it. My brain believes that I'm a failure. A nobody. That people say nice things to make me feel better. In reality I wake up every day wondering if this is the day I get fired from my job. Is this the day my husband leaves me for the person he deserves? Is this the day my kids realize their mom is a failure? I try. I try so hard. I have a panic attack every day before I go into work. I don't know why. I like my job. It's not overly stressful. But there's always a chance of failure. And failure is my track record. My husband deserves more. My kids deserve more. So when is the day that they wake up and realize that?  My poor mama. She has spent the last 39-some years raising babies. She should be on her prime right now. Doing what she wants to do. But instead she's worrying about me. Her oldest. The one she should rely on, not the one she should wonder if today she will get the call that it's all gone south. 
I've been dealing with a week long migraine. In all reality I should probably go to urgent care to try to get on top of it. By because I haven't had a steady job, I don't have insurance. So I just have to try to tough it out. And of course there's a link between chronic migraine and depression. But like I said in my last blog, I feel like this depression is something more. The first thing people are going to recommend is therapy. I just don't want to go to therapy. Talk about my problems to someone who doesn't understand them. It just seems pointless. Talk to your husband and family...it feels the same way. They don't know what I'm going through. So of course they feel bad for me and want to help. But there's nothing they can do. I feel like it's something I have to get over myself.  But I have no idea how to get over it. 

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