Monday, March 20, 2017

Let's be honest

This is hard for me.  And I'm not posting to get sympathy or attention.  It's mainly just to get the thoughts out of my head.  And to be 100% real.  Because that is my goal.  And because I live in a small town, I know rumors are going to fly.  But it is what it is.

At the beginning of February I tried to kill myself.  That's hard to type.  It's still hard to say.  It's embarrassing.  It's ridiculous.  I have everything a person could want.  Why would I do that?

I don't know.  I don't have answers.  I know that I was in an extreme funk.  My antidepressants weren't working anymore, and I didn't want to quit them because the side effects of quitting are terrible (more on that later.)  I didn't want to get out of bed, go to work, be with my family...brush my teeth or take a shower.  I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

Now before you tell me how selfish that is, and how I would be ruining people's lives...I know that.  I know that now.  A mentally stable person knows that.  But when you are that deep in depression, you don't know that.   You don't feel that.  You aren't thinking sanely.  All I could think about for days and days, weeks, maybe months, was how much better off everyone would be without me.  I thought about killing myself every. single. day.  You see, if I wasn't here...my husband could have a normal life.  A life where he doesn't have to wonder if his wife is going to lose her job today.  A life where he doesn't have to wonder if his wife has gotten out of bed for 4 days.  Maybe he could meet someone else, and have a normal marriage.  My kids could have a life where mom isn't always in bed.  Or always in a bad mood.  Maybe they could have a new mom.  One that cooks and cleans and does crafts with them.  My mom wouldn't have to be constantly worrying herself to death about her oldest child.  She wouldn't be blaming herself for my failures.  My sisters wouldn't have to deal with having an older sister who really isn't anything like an older sister anymore.  I have to lean on them far more than I should.  My friends...well, they would move on.

That's what really goes through your mind when you are thinking about killing yourself.  Not the rational thoughts of how my family would be devastated to lose me.  My husband wouldn't have a wife and my kids wouldn't have a mom.

I went to Laureate and was evaluated a couple days later.  By this time, I was thinking more rationally.  But walking in there was hard.  My mom went with me, because everyone knew I wouldn't go unless someone made me.  They offered to admit me that day.  But I decided not to.  I just wanted/needed a plan.  If I have a plan, then I can get through it.  I'm seeing a therapist.  I changed medicine.

I knew coming off effexor was going to be hard.  Because I couldn't even miss one dose without getting extremely ill.  We tapered down, but it was still terrible.  I've never done drugs.  But you know the people you see on tv that are having withdrawals from hardcore drugs?!  That was me.  That's how I felt.  Thankfully my job was very supportive.  There were days when I could only work a couple hours.  But they were so understanding.  It took a good 3-4 weeks to come off the medicine and finally not have withdrawals.  The new medicine made me sick for a couple weeks, but I'm doing better with it now.  

Mentally, I'm doing good now.  Most days are good.  I generally don't have a problem getting out of bed and going to work every day.  I'm brushing my teeth and showering like a regular person, lol.  I'm taking it one day at a time.

So, I know I'm putting myself out there by posting this.  But telling my close friends when it happened, was the best thing I ever did.