scared

First thing...I got to come home from the hospital today! So excited to be back in my own bed. But tonight I got this overwhelming sadness. At first I couldn't really explain it. I mean, I am home...Lexi is home...we're all together...pain is a little better, so I should be good right?!? The more I started thinking about it, the more it started to make sense. I am scared of the pain coming back full force. I'm scared to wake up tomorrow with an 8 on the pain scale...which has been the norm up until today. I wanted to come home from the hospital more than anything, but I didn't realize how nice it was to know that a nurse would be checking on me all day, and if I needed anything I could just push the little red button. I'm scared of having to manage the pain on my own at home. I'm scared that if the pain comes back how will I function. The past few days if I was in pain it didn't really matter because my only job was to lay there and try to feel better. But now that I'm home I have other normal things that I have to do...go to work, take care of my daughter. I'm scared that if the pain comes back there are some people who won't handle it gently. Then Jacob informed me today that we just aren't going to have the money to make the trip to Dallas to hang out with my best girlfriends at the end of this month. I have been looking forward to this trip since the day I left Dallas after our trip last year. So, bummed doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Devastated is more like it. I completely understand and I am not angry with him in the least for this. Then, as per my nature, I have extreme guilt. I am already worried about the hospital bills for this little adventure we were on this week. Not just regular hospital bills, but the MRI cost also. I am worried about my lack of a paycheck next week. I am guilty for the fact that my mom missed a lot of work this week, which will also affect her paycheck. I feel guilty because of the stress and worry I put on Jacob and the rest of my family. I have a million things going on in my head. I need to finish 1 baby blanket, do another for friends. I need to do a baby blanket for Kristin, and also one for baby Rex. I need to plan a baby shower for Kristin and buy her gifts. There's just a lot still going on in my head. So needless to say, I still need prayers.

Letter to Lexi 10/3/11

Lexi,
You are so grown up and so smart!
You keepo me on my toes wondering what new thing you will say today.
You go to school with Daddy and you love it so much.
You love to read, just like Mommy and Daddy and it makes us so happy.
We haven't gotten potty training down yet, but like everything else, I know you will do it on YOUR time!
You like to wake up early and yell until someone brings you to our bed, but Mommy loves your cuddles.
You can count all the way to 10. You know most of your ABC's but mix up the order. Your new favorite song is wheels on the bus. Daddy added "the Lexi's on the bus go Yay Yay Yay!" and that is your favorite part of the song. You can pick out certain numbers and letters when you see them. When the Channel 6 news comes on you always say "Homa Homa!" (Oklahoma)
You love to color and are starting to stay in the lines more. You love puzzles and Barbies.
Your new favorite show is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. That's the only show Poppy could find on tv one morning and you were immediately in love.
Lexi you are so loving and compassionate. A few weeks ago I was sick. You climbed in bed, patted me, and say "it's ok sissy." We very rarely have to punish you because just raising our voices hurts your feelings. You almost immediately stop, cry, get in Daddy's lap and seek his forgiveness.
Your strong will and attitude reminds me of myself.
You love sports, especially your OSU Cowboys. You love Pistol Pete and are so quick to throw up your pistols and give anyone you meet a "Go Pokes!"
During baseball season your favorites were Yadi and Berkman. I looked all over and couldn't find you a Cardinals shirt.
Lexi, I hope you always know how much I love you! You are my special miracle and I thank God every day foryou. I continuously wonder who you are going to become. Will you play sports, band, show animals? Or just be a diva princess?!
You teach me how to love with my whole heart and how to be loved in return!
Love you bunches and bunches!
Mommy