Mother's Day always brings a flood of emotions for me. I was lucky to have been raise in a wonderful family. I have my mom, but also my Grandma's. Now I have Jacob's Mom, and his Grandma.
Back before I had Lexi, Mother's Day was just another slap in the face to an infertile. It hurt!
Now that I have Lexi...idk...it's another day to be thankful. But, at the same time, yesterday I couldn't stop thinking the what ifs. What if I didn't have her? What if I was still infertile? What if, what if, what if... Not just that, but I also couldn't stop thinking of my CO sisters who are still battling infertility. Because it isn't fair. I have always been the kind of person that would much rather experience the pain, than someone else go through it. So, I can't help but think, Why am I so blessed to have a child? Why can't they have a child of their own? Also, why are there so many people that have kids and don't realize how truly blessed they are? I just can't stop questioning God. I know it's a problem. I know it's something I shouldn't do. I know there are some things that I will never understand...but I want to!
Jacob and I had a random conversation in the car a few weeks ago. One of those times where I spouted out my true feelings, tears and all, at a really weird time. We were talking about Kristin getting married and how she wants to have kids. I was saying how she had mentioned that she has the feeling she might have PCOS. This thought haunts me. Like I said before, I would much rather it be me than either one of my sisters. Because then I can handle it. They can't have PCOS, they can't have infertility, they can't have miscarriages. Because I can't handle it. I can't take control of the situation. If I have it, it's OK...not them. Jacob reminded me that it's not OK that I have it. It's not OK that I had miscarriages. It's not OK. But, if I had to pick...I would pick me.
I don't want to let myself think about it too much...because again, it's one of those things I can't control, that I don't have the answers to. But, the studies are there. PCOS is genetically linked. The chance is there, that one or both of my sisters could have it. Both of my dad's sisters had miscarriages with no diagnosed cause. Did/do they have PCOS? I don't know. They don't know. Chances are...they probably do. I have solice in the fact that my sisters have passed the age where I started having major PCOS related problems...so they don't have it right?! But, I've done too much research. I know too many people who have been diagnosed later in life.
What does this boil down to? Infertility isn't fair. I beg you to always, always remember the people in your life who are "Mothers in waiting." They have it tough enough as it is...without having to be forgotten on a special day.