Monday, March 20, 2017

Let's be honest

This is hard for me.  And I'm not posting to get sympathy or attention.  It's mainly just to get the thoughts out of my head.  And to be 100% real.  Because that is my goal.  And because I live in a small town, I know rumors are going to fly.  But it is what it is.

At the beginning of February I tried to kill myself.  That's hard to type.  It's still hard to say.  It's embarrassing.  It's ridiculous.  I have everything a person could want.  Why would I do that?

I don't know.  I don't have answers.  I know that I was in an extreme funk.  My antidepressants weren't working anymore, and I didn't want to quit them because the side effects of quitting are terrible (more on that later.)  I didn't want to get out of bed, go to work, be with my family...brush my teeth or take a shower.  I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

Now before you tell me how selfish that is, and how I would be ruining people's lives...I know that.  I know that now.  A mentally stable person knows that.  But when you are that deep in depression, you don't know that.   You don't feel that.  You aren't thinking sanely.  All I could think about for days and days, weeks, maybe months, was how much better off everyone would be without me.  I thought about killing myself every. single. day.  You see, if I wasn't husband could have a normal life.  A life where he doesn't have to wonder if his wife is going to lose her job today.  A life where he doesn't have to wonder if his wife has gotten out of bed for 4 days.  Maybe he could meet someone else, and have a normal marriage.  My kids could have a life where mom isn't always in bed.  Or always in a bad mood.  Maybe they could have a new mom.  One that cooks and cleans and does crafts with them.  My mom wouldn't have to be constantly worrying herself to death about her oldest child.  She wouldn't be blaming herself for my failures.  My sisters wouldn't have to deal with having an older sister who really isn't anything like an older sister anymore.  I have to lean on them far more than I should.  My friends...well, they would move on.

That's what really goes through your mind when you are thinking about killing yourself.  Not the rational thoughts of how my family would be devastated to lose me.  My husband wouldn't have a wife and my kids wouldn't have a mom.

I went to Laureate and was evaluated a couple days later.  By this time, I was thinking more rationally.  But walking in there was hard.  My mom went with me, because everyone knew I wouldn't go unless someone made me.  They offered to admit me that day.  But I decided not to.  I just wanted/needed a plan.  If I have a plan, then I can get through it.  I'm seeing a therapist.  I changed medicine.

I knew coming off effexor was going to be hard.  Because I couldn't even miss one dose without getting extremely ill.  We tapered down, but it was still terrible.  I've never done drugs.  But you know the people you see on tv that are having withdrawals from hardcore drugs?!  That was me.  That's how I felt.  Thankfully my job was very supportive.  There were days when I could only work a couple hours.  But they were so understanding.  It took a good 3-4 weeks to come off the medicine and finally not have withdrawals.  The new medicine made me sick for a couple weeks, but I'm doing better with it now.  

Mentally, I'm doing good now.  Most days are good.  I generally don't have a problem getting out of bed and going to work every day.  I'm brushing my teeth and showering like a regular person, lol.  I'm taking it one day at a time.

So, I know I'm putting myself out there by posting this.  But telling my close friends when it happened, was the best thing I ever did.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

just the ramblings of a depressed woman

My meds have been off kilter for about a month. I haven't been able to get the second dose of Effexor I need. So I've been struggling. Struggling to get out of bed even. I need Botox. But I have to get a referral to a new dr and then get them to request approvals from my insurance. So we're probably looking at about 6 months from now for actually getting Botox. 

I can't help but feel not good enough. It's seems like I'm a disappointment to a lot of people in my life. 

My husband--I have given him the all clear. He didn't sign up for this now. I've told him if he wants out he is free to go, I won't contest a divorce.
Right now I'm not a good sister either. I'm the oldest and they are supposed to fall on me when they need advice. But it's he total opposite. I'm the one falling on them for advice. For that I'm truly sorry. I am letting you guys down and I want to change that. 
My kids-they didn't sign up for this. They didn't choose to be born to a mother with mental health issues.  
Nope good enough for a full time job with regular hours. 
Not good enough that my husband enjoys doing things for me and not viewing them as just another task. 
Not good enough to promote at work because of my resting b!tćh face. 
I'm just tired of settling for just ok. I want to be at the top. I want to be the best. I'm. It gonna trample people to get there, but in also not gonna let people hold me back or trample me. 

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Letters to Lexi: 12/28/16

Lexi Rosemay,

I can't even tell you how amazing you are to me.  You are strong, and beautiful, and smart.  You are reading at least 2 grade levels above 2nd grade.  You have found a love for math this school year.
You have a beautiful singing voice and I hope you continue to love to sing.  Music has always been my love, and I would love for you to enjoy it the same way I do.  You love all kinds of music, including Dolly Parton, Reba, and all kinds of new country.  But you also can rock out to Daddy's Christian or 80's music.

You love your brother, but there are times when you just want to be by yourself...and he just won't let you.  He loves you so much, and he just wants to be wherever you are.  I hope you can always understand that and know how lucky you are to have each other.  Last night you read bible stories to him until he fell asleep.  It was the sweetest thing.

I hope you always know how much I love you and how special you are to me.  I hope our relationship continues to grow.  And I hope one day we can be best friends like me and Nanny.

I love you so much sweet girl!



Letters to Rex: 12/28/16

Rex Allen,

You are the most amazing little boy I have ever met.  You say or do something every day that just amazes me.  Your attitude is fierce, but your love is even more fierce. You know exactly when to lay the sweetness on me...usually when you know you've done something wrong and you're about to be in trouble.  I keep telling you that your little smile will not get you out of trouble forever.

You are so smart, but you just don't want anyone to know it.  When you're counting or singing ABCs you don't want anyone to be listening to you. I'm constantly trying to catch you on video. Last week daddy was spelling your name because he didn't want you to know that we were talking about you.  As soon as he spelled your name you said, "that's Rex."  We were so shocked that you knew how to spell your name!  You did let me take a short video of you saying it.  You also read "Taxi" on the back of a car on tv.  Who knew you could do that?!

You love your sister so much.  You want to do everything she does, and you want to be a part of anything she's doing.  Even when she doesn't want you to.

Your best friend at daycare is Matthew.  Everyday when I ask you who you played with, you say "Maffoo."  I love the way you say it, and I wish you would say it like that forever.

You did get in trouble for saying "what the hell?!"  I couldn't even believe you said it.  But then you said "what the heck hell?!" so now I say that all the time.  Everyone at work asks me everyday what you said the night before.  They have never met you, but they think you are so funny.

You love spending time with your family.  You and Mattie are so close and I just love it.  But you have also become really close with Blake.  I can see the 3 of you getting in lots of trouble as you grow up.

I hope you continue to be an amazing little man.  Don't grow up to quickly, and always want to sit on my lap.  I love you so much, my baby.



Monday, October 31, 2016

Reasons why my kids trunk or treat

In the past week or so I have seen several posts about how trunk or treat is stupid and why we should just do the old school trick or treating like we did as kids. It got me thinking and asking myself why I choose that option. Here are some reasons why trunk or treat works for us. 

1.  Time Let's face it. We are all running ourselves ragged. We feel like we need to do more and let our kids do more. When Halloween falls on a weeknight it makes it twice as difficult. Also in the time category is taking kids in and out of the car. It takes Rex approximately 7 years to get in the car. I can not imagine doing that repeatedly in the same night. 

2.  Safety I know this has been brought up as being ridiculous, but hang with me for a second. I don't think there is anyone putting pills or razor blades in the candy they hand out. For me, safety on Halloween is more about knowing that my kids can't dart into traffic or get separated from me. 

3.  Convenience Where we live trunk or treat is really the best option. We drive 2 minutes from our house, park, and walk through a line of cars getting candy. It's a small town. There aren't always sidewalks to walk on. It's almost impossible to do trick or treating just by walking around. Everyone doesn't hand out candy. So you may have to walk blocks between stops. 

Yes, I want my kids to have all the great experiences I had. But it's a different world than it was then. You can't just throw your kids in the back of a pickup and cruise around town. We still make a few other stops to see grandparents, aunts and uncles. 

As is the case with so many topics today, you don't have to choose one by bashing the other. Maybe when my kids are older, or if our town no longer does a big trunk or treat, then we will do traditional trick or treating. But for right now, trunk or treat is the better option for us. 

Monday, September 19, 2016


Life is just spinning and spinning and passing me by. I'm busy.  I'm a mom. I'm in love. And I just can't seem to find time to post about it. 

One thing I have become ever more intrigued by is mom-bloggers. Listen. I love you. I love your passion. And I get where you're coming from. Not too long ago, that was my life. My whole existence. But now...I find myself reading your blogs and saying that's not me, that's my husband. So here's a shout-out to all the dads that for whatever reason fit in that stereotype.  

My husband...does ALL the laundry. Not some. Not a little. Not his. He does ALL the laundry. Every piece of washable material that moves through our house gets washed by him. 
It's an agreement we made a while back. I do dishes and he does the laundry. It works. 90% of the time he is doing laundry every single day. And he doesn't complain when I'm too tired or lazy to do the dishes. He doesn't nag me. He doesn't say a word. 
Weekends...yeah we don't have them. I work all weekend. So that mean he gets up with the kids on Saturday and Sunday when he really wants to sleep in because he's had a stressful week and he just wants a break. 
Mornings? He takes care of it. I'm out the door by 6. So he gets himself and the kids ready every single day. He doesn't complain. It's just what he does. 
Showers? Bedtime? A lot of the time he does it alone. Either because I'm exhausted...and hello obviously my feelings mean more than his (sarcasm). Or because I'm already in bed. He does it. 
I'm lucky. I'm blessed. Call it what you will. He is the absolute love of my life. My better half. My reason to get out of bed each morning. Because no matter what, I want to make him proud. I want him to joyfully proclaim that I am his wife, the way I joyfully proclaim that he is my husband. 
Because I know, deep down inside, not just anyone could love me. Not just anyone could take this life and make it work. But he does. He's the real hero. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

let's play a game

Let's play a game called truth or lies depression makes you believe. It's a really fun game, I promise. 
Question 1: can you actually force yourself out of bed to go to work?
Answer: I don't know. I probably could. But depression tells me no. 
Question 2: can you actually hold down a permanent job?
Answer: I don't know. If depression wins too many times then the answer is no. 
Question 3: can you make plans with someone and keep them?
Answer: probably not. Even without depression I'm am very socially awkward. So I tend to avoid social situations. 

Right now I don't have good answers. I would rather lay in bed than anything else in the world. 

You can call me lazy if you want. I understand that's what it seems like. But unless you've ever had that feeling where you wake up and have to force yourself out of bed, you wouldn't understand.

In all reality I wish my husband was pulling down a 6 figure salary. Not just so I didn't have to work. But so I could get some more help. 

If I could lay in bed 24/7 that would be awesome. I know that a problem. And it's not normal. But it's my normal.