Monday, December 31, 2012

2012 in Review

Since I'm using this blog kinda as a journal, and kinda for my children to read someday, I thought it would be a good idea to review everything that happened in 2012.

We purchased our very first home. It was a long and trying process, but we are so happy with the decision we made.  We feel very blessed to be given the opportunity to be home owners!  In this economy, we know how special that is.

We found out we were expecting baby #2.  On Valentine's Day of all days!

For some reason I'm drawing a blank on March.  I checked out my facebook pictures and there are pictures from a trip to Cherokee that we took. 

Lexi had her very first sleep over with her cousins, Aubrie, Averie, and Gracie.
Our first Easter in our new house.
The first Easter where Lexi was really able to get involved in coloring and hunting for eggs.

Lexi turned 3.  We celebrated with a "Princess and the Frog" themed birthday party.
Lexi started recognizing her own name. 
We visited the Tulsa Zoo where she was able to see a giraffe named Lexi and read the sign.

In light of the new baby coming, Lexi got a big girl bed, with princess sheets.
Lexi tasted her first ever snocone.

Lexi burned her hand on a sparkler, thank goodness it barely left a mark.
We hosted a baby shower for my niece Mattie Marie, here at the house.

Miss Mattie made her arrival.
I went on maternity leave at work.

Rex Allen made his arrival.

Rex's first Halloween.
Rex was a skeleton and Lexi was Cinderella.  She was really into Halloween this year.  She wanted to wear her costume to school every day.
We spent a night in the Children's Hospital with Rex. Thank goodness it turned out to be nothing serious and we were able to go home the next day.

Thanksgiving in Cherokee.

Rex's first Christmas.
Lexi was really into Christmas this year.  Everything was about Santa Clause and who was on the naughty or nice list.
She loved decorating the tree.  She loved having the house all lit up with lights. She is going to be really upset when we take all the lights down.  I might have to get her some special lights for her bedroom.
Christmas Eve was awesome, just hanging out here at home.  We were able to make cookies, and salt dough ornaments.  It was a really special Christmas.

I hope everyone had a blessed 2012.  While it seems like there was so much bad that happened this year, it's nice to look back and actually see all the good stuff.
Happy New Year friends!

Friday, November 30, 2012

Time to Catch Up

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I blogged.  But, I have been a little busy.  So what's new?

We spent a night in the children's hospital with Rex.  I don't recommend it.  All is fine with him now, and thank God we only had to stay that one night.

I'm back at work.  Things are crazy.  Trying to catch up on everything that accumulated while I was gone.

We had an amazing Halloween.  Rex slept the whole night in his carseat, but he made an adorable little skeleton.  Lexi was Cinderella.  She loved the fact that she could wear her costume to school, but was very sad when she couldn't wear it again the next day.  She is in love with all things Princess right now.

We spent Thanksgiving in Cherokee, OK with my Mom's side of the family.  We had a great time.  Lots of babies in our family this year.  There were 4 there on that day, with 1 more missing. 

We went Black Friday shopping on Friday evening when we got home.  Guess what?!?  There were still some great bargains, and not hardly any shoppers.  Not to mention the fact that Target started their sales on Wednesday, so I got a great deal on board games for all the nieces and nephews.  It's nice to have a dent in my Christmas shopping so early.  The past few years I have been a Christmas Eve shopper...and I don't really like that.  Every year I vow to start buying things at the beginning of the year...and I never do.  Maybe 2013 is the year?!

I can't believe tomorrow is December 1st!  Bring on the Christmas season.  We got some lights up on the house.  Jacob and I are somewhat of "Griswolds" so of course we would love to have more.  Being this is our first year in this house we are testing the water on what all we can do.  I'm so excited to get all my Christmas decorations out.  Since we didn't have a house last year I didn't get to decorate.  So, I'm so excited to decorate my very own house this year.  And I'm sure Lexi will enjoy it also.  She is so excited about Christmas-time already also.

Rex has started sleeping a little better...knock on wood....he gets up 1-2 times a night, versus every 2 hours he was doing up until about 2 weeks ago.  Jacob and I are definitely enjoying the extra sleep. 

Keep checking the blog, because I have lots of great ideas!


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Rex Allen's birth story

I guess it's about time I get his birth story down on "paper" before it leaves my mind.

Thursday September 6, 2012:  
I had been laying in bed doing my bedrest thing, tracking my contractions all day.  I would get into a pattern and then the contractions would slow down for a while.  Around 9:00 that night I had a steady stream of contractions about 8-10 minutes apart.  I wasn't too worried about it because I thought they would slow back down.  But once I told Jacob he decided we should go ahead and go to the hospital.  We called Jacob's mom to come stay with Lexi for a little while until we knew what was going on.
On the way to the hospital I called the answering service to have the on-call dr. call me...secretly hoping it was my dr who was on call, but it wasn't.  The on-call dr called me back and told me to go to triage. By the time we got to triage the contractions had started to slow down.  They got me all hooked up to the monitors and I was still having some contractions, just not as steady.  The dr. looked at my strip after 2 hours and decided that nothing was going to happen that night so she was ready to send me home.  Right as the nurse was unhooking my blood pressure monitor I had one semi-high reading.  I don't know why it was alarming to her, because it wasn't alarming to really wasn't that high.  She reported it to the dr and came back to tell me that bought me a 23 hour observation and a 24 hour urine collection.  I was pretty upset, because I knew I wasn't going to be having a baby, but I was going to be staying for a technicality.  We finally got moved up to the antepartem room around 2 am.  I had a pretty sleepless night and was awake around 6.

Friday September 7, 2012:
Jacob went home to shower and update his mom on what was going on.  While he was gone my actual dr came in to check on me.  She said she had looked at my chart and the blood pressure wasn't concerning to her so she was going to let me go home.  I called Jacob to tell him to head back up to come get me because they would be discharging me soon.  I called my mom to let her know also.  As soon as I hung up the phone with my mom my dr came back in.  She had looked at my strips from the night before and noticed that Rex's heart rate was dropping during contractions and she would not feel comfortable letting me go home.  She left to decide what we would do.  I called Jacob back to let him know.  He was already on the way back up with Lexi so he called his mom to follow him up there to be with Lexi while he was with me.  They decided to move me down to labor and delivery and hook me back up to the monitors to watch Rex.  My dr. checked me and told me I was around 5 cm dilated.  I started texting everyone to tell them to go ahead and head towards the hospital, because with my history of quick labor I wanted everyone to be there on time.  Once I was down in labor and delivery and everyone was coming in and out of my room the dr decided to do a contraction stress test.  Basically they give you a small dose of pitocin to induce contractions.  They want you to have 3 contractions in 10 minutes to see how the baby reacts to the contractions.  It was basically a toss up on the test.  Sometimes his heart rate would drop and sometimes it wouldn't.  It was so scary the times that it did drop though.  You could hear it just go down down down, and I would be just sitting there praying for it to start coming back up.  My dr. came back in and started trying to decide what to do.  I wasn't 37 weeks yet so she didn't really want him to be delivered yet, but we were there, and I would not be going home like this, so she made the decision to go ahead and increase the pitocin, break my water, and have a baby!!  She knew my labor would happen fast so she made sure that I had my epidural before they increased the pitocin.  The epidural was once again almost painless...I have heard horror stories, but both of mine were amazing.  I was having pretty steady contractions and had to push the epidural button because I was feeling pain.  The nurse came in and checked me and said I was around a 7-8.  About 30 minutes later I had to push the button again because I was having pain during contractions.  The nurse came in and checked me again and said I was ready to push.  They started breaking the bed down and getting everything ready.  The epidural had really kicked in good and I couldn't feel my legs really at all.  The funniest part of the delivery was a storm was blowing in right after they put my legs up in the stirrups.  Literally everyone in the room ran to the windows to look out at the wind blowing, while I'm just laying there with my legs in the stirrups.  Pushing was hard because I couldn't feel anything.  I could feel the contractions in my belly so I knew when I needed to push but I couldn't feel if I was doing it right.  But after 5 contractions, 3 pushes each, he was out.  Apparently he was really blue when he came out and my mom and Jacob were pretty scared.  But, he started screaming immediately and pinked right up.  His cord was wrapped around his foot, so it was getting pinched during contractions, thus the heart rate dipping.  He also had a pretty nice little indentation on the top of his head from sitting so low for so long.  I knew he was "right there" for at least 3 weeks.  Pretty immediately he was placed skin to skin with me, which is something I didn't get to experience with Lexi.
My birth experience was amazing.  I'm so glad that I got to experience a pretty normal labor and delivery since this is my last one.
I found out that my dr. was actually off work that day and had come in to check on me that morning but ended up staying all day.  I can't even express how that makes me feel.  I wanted her to deliver Rex so badly, and I'm so glad that was able to happen.

Right now, we are enjoying our little family of 4.  We are all smitten with "Baby Rex."

Monday, September 3, 2012

36 weeks

Wow.  36 weeks.  That's 2 days longer than I made it with Lexi.  To some it isn't a big deal, to me, it means everything.  When I went on hospital bedrest with Lexi 3 years ago the only thing that kept me going was knowing that when I left that hospital I would have a sweet baby girl in my arms.  I was admitted on a Monday.  On Saturday night I was begging God to make it be over.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  I felt like I was alone all the time.  I don't know.  I can't explain it now.  I just know that being in the hospital is miserable and I was totally done with it.  I had Lexi the next day.  Maybe God heard my prayers.  Maybe He knew that I really really couldn't do it anymore.  Maybe it was just fate.  Either way, at 35 weeks and 5 days Alexia Rosemay entered this world at 5lb 5oz and 17 3/4 inches long.  I didn't know at the time that my hospital had an automatic NICU stay for every baby born before 36 weeks.  So minutes before I had her, in swooped a whole team of people.  They let me see her and touch her face and kiss her before they whisked her off to the NICU.  Jacob went with her and I went back to my room.  She breathed good.  She looked good.  They gave her a binky almost immediately because she just wanted something to suck on.  But she wouldn't eat very good at first.  So they put a feeding tube in.  It took her a couple days to start taking all her feeds by mouth and for them to remove the tube.  Then she wouldn't keep her body temperature up.  For those 9 days that she was there, we couldn't take her out and hold her whenever we wanted.  We could take her out to feed her, hold her for a little bit, and then put her back in.  And she had to be wrapped up completely the whole time.  If her temperature wasn't good, then we couldn't take her out and feed her.  She could be out of the isolette for like 45 minutes tops.  Leaving her in the hospital alone every night was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life.

What all this rambling leads to is:
No matter how much I talk about being miserable right now
No matter how much I think I can't do this for one more second

I know how lucky I am to even be pregnant right now, and I don't take that for granted at all.  And I know that every day longer that Rex bakes will make his grand entrance and his life, that much easier.  And for one of my children, I will do anything...anything!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

34 week bump update

*How far along?: 34 weeks 1 day

 *Total weight gain: As of yesterday 6 pounds

 *How big is baby?: 2 weeks ago he was 5.2 pounds, so he's probably around 6 pounds right now

 *Sleep?: Still only sleeping a couple hours at a time, but I have had a couple nights where I got a little more.

 *Best moment this week?: Watching him breathe on ultrasound yesterday.  He had failed his past 2 biophysical profiles because he wouldn't practice breathe.  So this was a huge accomplishment!

 *Movement? He is definitely a mover. He moves until we get into the ultrasound room and then he takes a nap.

 *Food cravings?: I could eat pizza every single day.  Vegetable beef soup.

*Labor signs?: Contractions are a daily occurrence, but I don't think it means labor is coming.

 *Belly button in or out?: Still in.

 *What I miss: Being able to sleep on my belly. Walking at a normal pace.  Seeing his face on the ultrasound.  He's too far down and there is too much fluid for us to get a clear picture of his face now.

 *What I’m looking forward to: Seeing him on ultrasound again next week.  After the eventful pregnancy, labor, and delivery with Lexi I have been getting weekly ultrasounds for about 4 weeks now. Getting measurements to see how big he is.  Getting checked for dilation.

This was last week 33 weeks 3 days

Friday, August 3, 2012

Thank God for Hometowns

Thank God for hometowns
And all the love that makes 'em go around
Thank God for the county lines that welcome you back in
When you were dying to get out
Thank God for Church pews
And all the faces that won’t forget you
Cause when you’re lost out in this crazy world
You got somewhere to go and get found
Thank God for hometowns
Carrie Underwood
Thank God For Hometowns

Man Carrie Underwood knows how to reach right through the radio and grab me by the heart.  I think at some point everyone says the words "I can't wait to leave here." I think everyone says it, but I think very few mean it.  And even fewer actually follow through with it.
I "went away" to college.  By going away, I mean an hour away to a small college.  By going away I mean I came home every Friday promptly after class and cried every Sunday when we had to leave.  We being Jacob and I.  He loved it.  I hated it.  I wasn't meant to be away from my mama.  Or my sisters.  Or my freshly born niece.  So after 1 year we moved home.  I vowed to my mom and dad I would finish school.  In a way I did.  After a year at community college I wanted more.  I went to technical school and became a dental assistant.  Is not finishing school something I regret?  Every single day.  I think I am automatically "looked down" upon because I don't have a diploma hanging on my wall.  I want to go back.  But right now, it's not feasible.  I work 40 hours a week and I have 1.75 children.  I digress, this post isn't about college.

In 2005 Jacob and I moved into our very first apartment together.  Approximately an hour away from our parents.  We loved it!  It was our first home.  We had real jobs.  Life was great.  But, did I miss my family?  Yes!  Tremendously!  Once again, I was in a situation where I felt I didn't see them near enough.  So, my Uncle offered us a rent house, and we moved home.  And that's where we remain.  Just this January we purchased our first home.  Right here in the town where we grew up.  The town where I want my babies to grow up...and never leave home.  Our families are literally down the street (with the exception of my sister Lisa who has moved to the big city of Tulsa.  I will con her into coming HOME one day too.)

So when I heard Carrie's (we're on a first name basis, right?!) song from her new album I was drawn to it.  I know she was inspired by her own small Oklahoma hometown, but for's like I could have written the lyrics myself.  That's if I was even slightly talented in the song writing category.  I mean, I could walk into the church where I grew up, where my Grandma still goes, and I'm sure they would recognize me even though I look nothing like I looked then.  I could walk into the church where Jacob and I were married and they would welcome us with open arms even though it's been far too long since we've been there.  

I hope and pray everyone has a place like this they can go to!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

pregnancy after infertility

I don't really know where to go with this post without offending or triggering someone. So i will try my best to do neither. I will always consider myself infertile. It's a club I unwillingly joined. But I have met some amazing women along the way. They are my sisters now and I wont leave them. Pregnancy in general is hard. But pregnancy after infertility is especially hard. With Lexi I had extreme guilt because I got pregnant while we were on a ttc break. It was a miracle, but I was scared to share it with my friends because I didn't know how they would handle it. They were excited for me and life was good. After I had Lexi it was hard to post on our site because I felt like since I wasn't currently ttc I didn't have anything to contribute. But I learned that a simple "I'm here for you" works wonders when you don't know what to say or do. This pregnancy has been much the same. I got pregnant while we weren't ttc. I didn't even have a cycle. Rex is truly a miracle. And I had to share with my girls. Once again they were excited for me. But this is where the hard part comes. I don't remember a lot of things about my pregnancy with Lexi. So I have a lot of questions. I don't want to bombard my infertile friends with pregnancy questions. They always answer me but I can't imagine how difficult it is. Then there come the normal pregnancy issues. The aches and pains. Is this normal? Should he be moving more? I'm so sore and tired and miserable. Those are things I feel extremely guilty saying. Because I am infertile. I know what it took for me to get here. For me to get 2 babies I had to lose 3. So I shouldn't complain about morning sickness or round ligament lain or braxton hicks. Because. There is someone out there who would die to have those problems. And I know that. And I feel guilty for my feelings. So if I have offended anyone, I sincerely apologize. It was not my intent to hurt anyone.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

PCOS: My story

Polycystic ovary syndrome is a condition in which a woman has an imbalance of a female sex hormones. This may lead to menstrual cycle changes, cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, and other health changes.—

When I started typing up this blog post I thought I was going to go more in the direction of scientific facts about PCOS.  But, the more I think about it, the more that’s not what I want it to be about.  I am open to answering any questions about PCOS, and it’s symptoms, but I want to tell my story.

Before PCOS I never questioned the fact that I would be a mother.  It’s something all little girls dream of.  Once I started college I knew there was something wrong with my periods but I didn’t know what.  I was fairly active in high school, playing softball, and I knew that or the change of pace to college life, could change my cycles.  It finally got out of control and my mom took me to an ob/gyn.  One of her friends was a receptionist there, that’s how we picked the place. He did a routine first gynecology exam.  He put me on birth control because I wasn’t married and not trying to have kids.  He told me once I was ready to come back and we would discuss doing something different.  The birth control stabilized my cycles, but it also made me crazy.  At the time I was young and didn’t realize there are so many different kinds of birth control.  Or the fact that I could just call up the dr. and say I didn’t like the side effects and ask for something different. 

Fast forward to 2005.  I had stopped taking the birth control because my prescription ran out, I believe.  I had gotten married in October so I knew if I got pregnant I would be fine with it.  In December I found myself pregnant.  A few days later I found myself in the ER having the worst experience of my life.  I had been at work and was bleeding and cramping, both heavily.  By the time I got to the ER the bleeding has slowed tremendously, but I still had no doubt that something was wrong.  They took me to do an ultrasound, of the trans-vaginal variety.  I remember the tech asking me to insert the wand into myself.  I said “excuse me?”  She said that was the way I gave my consent.  I would much rather have signed a form.  There was no sign of a baby.  I had already lost it.  They gave me some pain pills after my mother in law demanded them, signed a form for me to have a day off work, and sent me home.  On that day, my life changed completely.  I will never be the same.  The innocence was gone. 

After we took a break for a while, we decided we were ready to actually try again for a baby.  I went back and the dr. told me to try 3 months without taking birth control and then we would do further testing.  I knew this wouldn’t work because I had been without birth control for a while.  And my period was pretty much a non-stop thing.  But, I did what he said.  When I went back and did the further testing he told me that I had PCOS, polycystic ovary syndrome.  I immediately went to the internet to look it up.  It was a “duh” moment.  I had almost every symptom on the list.  Why had no one ever suggested that I had this?  But alas, you take some pills, ovulate, and get pregnant.  This wasn’t the end of the road.  He prescribed clomid for me to take at the beginning of my cycle.  That with timed intercourse would do the trick.  It was around this time that I got hardcore into tracking my cycle, and temping.  I went back for CD13 (cycle day 13) bloodwork.  He called me the next day to tell me that I had definitely ovulated.  Now to just wait to find out if I was pregnant.  I will tell you over and over that I have ZERO patience.  That applies to every aspect of my life.  I started taking home pregnancy tests long before I should have and finally was able to see a faint line.  I bought a digital test and saw that magical word, “PREGNANT.” But within days, I was bleeding.  First just a little, then more, then more.  I called the office one morning early and the Dr. called me back.  I told him I was bleeding and the nurse told me to call if it got worse.  He told me not to call him back “unless you feel like you are bleeding to death.”  I was taken aback.  I thought dr’s were supposed to be compassionate with this sort of thing.  I called Jacob’s aunt because she’s a nurse.  When she found out who my dr. was she made me an appt with her ob/gyn immediately.  She had worked with my current dr in a hospital setting and had seen him to less than favorable things. 

By the time I had my appointment with the new Dr, I had already spent more time in the ER and lost the baby.  It was heartbreaking to go to that first appt and have to explain to them that I was no longer pregnant.  But I loved the dr.  I loved her bedside manner, and I loved the fact that she didn’t write me off.  She started making plans.  Scheduling more tests, deciding what we should do next.  You’ll have to forgive me because I don’t remember exactly what happened, and since I wasn’t blogging then I don’t have the greatest records.  I know we did a lot of bloodwork.  That’s when she found out that I was in fact insulin resistant.  It’s one of the symptoms of PCOS, so there wasn’t any shock there.  She started me on a medication called Metformin.  It’s usually something that people with diabetes take.  But, it helps stabilize your blood sugar, which has a profound impact on ovulation.  We also did more ultrasounds to look and see how bad the cysts actually were.  The next step was to do more clomid.  Once again I don’t remember the exact protocol we did, and which cycles worked and which ones didn’t.  But eventually I became pregnant once again.

Before my blood work to confirm pregnancy I had already taken a home pregnancy test and seen that magic P word.  But when the nurse called me to tell me the results of my bloodwork she was shocked that I had gotten a positive home test.  She said my test results shouldn’t have been high enough at the time I tested to get a positive result.  They ordered more blood work 24 hours later.  The numbers were climbing, but not fast enough.  They weren’t even high enough to be able to see anything on ultrasound.  My dr personally called me at home one night after hours to tell me that there wasn’t anything we could do.  We just had to sit and wait to see what happened.  She hadn’t given up hope completely, but the outcome probably wasn’t going to be good.  She was right.  Eventually the bleeding became too much and I lost the baby. 

We decided to take a break from trying to conceive.  The tolls infertility takes on your marriage are extreme.  As a woman you feel like a failure as a wife.  I mean, one of the reasons a man gets married, is to continue his name.  When you can’t give your husband that, it isn’t pretty.  Jacob never made me feel like a failure.  It’s just the personal standards I had set for myself.  We notified my dr that we would be taking a break for a while, just to get grounded again and decide what our next step would be.   One of the last things she told me was to be careful.  Because the metformin can stabilize your blood sugar enough that you can ovulate on your own.  I kind of laughed to myself, because I knew that wasn’t going to happen.  But it did!
One day I got the urge to take a test.  I still had some stashed in the bathroom, and Jacob was out with his brother for the night, so I took a test.  It immediately turned positive and I thought the test must be broken, so I took another one, and the same thing happened.  I couldn’t believe it!  I called my dr the next day and she ordered bloodwork to confirm.  In the back of my mind I was still very concerned, because I had never had good bloodwork results.  But when they called me back I was in awe.  It was a number so high that I couldn’t believe it!  Our Lexi Rosemay was born on May 3, 2009 and she is truly our miracle!

After Lexi we knew we wanted more kids, but we weren’t going to rush anything.  I was out of work for a while after I had Lexi, so that meant I was without insurance.  In January 2012 we were preparing to move into our first home that we had purchased.  I had a job with insurance and even though we hadn’t talked about it, I think we both knew that “the talk” about when to start trying would be coming up soon. On February 14 I stopped on my way home from work and bought a dollar store pregnancy test.  I just hadn’t been feeling completely right lately, and even though I knew it was a long shot, I still wanted to test.  Once again, a super fast, super dark positive.  WHAT?!?  Because of PCOS I hadn’t even had a period since November.  I immediately started googling things.  And come to find out…you can ovulate without having a period.  Scheduled an appointment with my ob/gyn, who I hadn’t seen since my follow up after I had Lexi.  She was amazed.  I am still amazed.  Our Rex Allen is due October 1, 2012.  He is our second miracle. 

I have a lot of guilt about getting pregnant miraculously 2 times when I have so many deserving friends who are doing all kinds of treatments, and still can’t get pregnant.  But I have to push it aside.  I know I was chosen by God to be the mother to these 2 babies.  They are my miracles.  They give my life meaning.  I love them with my whole heart and then some. 

Am I still worried about PCOS?  Yes.  We know after Rex is born, we are done having kids.  Since we got married, we always knew we wanted 2.  Now we have to decide how to prevent pregnancy…something we haven’t done for several several years.   I don’t want to be tied down to taking a birth control pill every day for the rest of my life.  Jacob is completely willing to do his part.  But, even if he does that I will still have to do something or else my cycles will be completely out of sorts because of PCOS.  I’m too young to have a hysterectomy.  I know my dr. won’t do it.  And I’ve read some articles that state even if you have a hysterectomy all of your symptoms of PCOS won’t go away.  I could still suffer from the weight gain, acne, excess facial hair.  I still have lots of research to do before I decide what’s best for me. 
I do know that this isn’t the end of the road for me as far as talking about PCOS.  PCOS changed who I am.  And I will never stop advocating.  I will never stop offering advice.  I will never stop reading about it.  And until my baby girl has kids of her own, I will never stop worrying that it is something I have passed on to her.  Please know your body.  Please ask questions.  If there is anything I can do for you, please don’t be afraid to contact me!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Exciting Day

This is a pregnancy related post, so if you don't feel like hearing about that, here's your change to leave.

I woke up this morning to blood when I wiped.  I automatically got panicky because ya know, blood in pregnancy is never a good sign.  And I've been having some whopper contractions.  I called the answering service at my ob's office.  My ob called me back in probably less than 5 minutes and told me what time she would be at the office.
Jacob and I dropped Lexi off at the baby sitter's and headed to the ob's office.  She checked me with the speculum and couldn't find any blood.  She had them send my urine off to be tested for a UTI because that could cause blood.  She then checked me for dilation.  Not the best feeling process, but definitely necessary.  She said I was not dilated at all, which is great.  I just knew that I was going to be dilated some.
I told her that I felt like Rex is going to just fall out when I walk, there's that much pressure.  She assured me that wouldn't happen.  As we were leaving she kinda joked that we wouldn't make it 11 more weeks.  Realistically if I make it 7 more weeks that would be awesome for me.
I went and got an ultrasound to check the location of the placenta, which was great.  The amount of fluid, which was great.  And the length of the cervix, which was great at 3.61 cm.  We still couldn't get a good shot of his face because he had his hand up there.  But he moved around a ton to let us know he didn't like his space being invaded.  We also didn't see/hear the arrhythmia this time around so that's really good.
Over all it was a great appt for an emergency.  I heard everything I needed to hear.  I was terrified about being admitted for any length of time, and being placed on bedrest.  That didn't happen today.  So, there's one more week I can have a paycheck.  I'm sure there will be more on that subject coming up soon.
I have been pretty sore from all the action down below today, so I've been trying to take it easy.  So hopefully I can get a good night's sleep and finish off the work week.

Rex Allen,

Stay put and stop scaring your mommy so much!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

28 Week Bump Update

*How far along?: 28 weeks 3 days
 *Total weight gain: I'm right around the even point.
 *How big is baby?: 3 pounds
 *Sleep?: I generally don't sleep for more than a couple hours at a time without having to wake up and use the potty.
 *Best moment this week?: Getting to see his sweet face on the ultrasound
 *Movement? He is definitely a mover. Constantly! 
 *Food cravings?: Nothing in particular, but when something happens to cross my mind I need it right now. 
*Labor signs?: I have had a few contractions, but nothing major.
 *Belly button in or out?: Still in.
 *What I miss: Being able to sleep on my belly. 
 *What I’m looking forward to: Jacob feeling more movement.  Rex moving so I am not in as much pain.

Letters to Alexia

I know she just had a whole blog devoted to her, but I feel like I should share her formal letter that is in her book.

You are so big and smart!  You come home every day and ask to do schoolwork with Daddy.  You have started tracing lines and shapes.  Hopefully we can get you writing your name soon.

You love to play games on Daddy's I-Pad and read stories on Mommy's Kindle.

You love to go to Miss Bethany's house every day and play with Brayden.  We still aren't decided on if he's your boyfriend or your best friend (wink.)  Yesterday you saw me crying and you automatically burst into tears.  You have such a sweet soul.  You remind me so much of my own heart.

You ask me about Rex all the time and you tell everyone that his name is baby Rex Allen.  You love to kiss my belly and talk to him.  You were laying on my belly and Rex kicked your back.  I don't know what you thought had happened.  I can't even begin to explain to you how much we love you.
I love to see your experience life with your whole family.  You still aren't sure about Pa (Claude) but we are trying to get you to not say that you don't like him.  You are scared of him because he is loud and gets in your face.  But Lexi - he loves you more than life.  All you girls make his world.
You love to stay all night with Nanny and Poppy - and make Poppy sleep on the couch.
Nanny lets you do whatever you want pretty much.
You also love to go to Aunt Lisa's because she takes you to the library and lots of fun places.
You have been swimming with Daddy and Aunt Twila this summer and you really love that.
Our favorite Mommy and Lexi time is having slumber parties in the big bed.  We love to snuggle up, watch cartoons, and read stories until we fall asleep.  Then mommy takes lots of pictures of you and steals lots of kisses.
We love you so much!

Love Mommy!

Letters to Rex

28 Weeks 2 days This is from our journal Rex Allen- You are quite the little stinker. You are always on the move it seems like. At our appt. Monday you weighed 3.3 pounds. We couldn't get a good picture of your face because you kept pulling your head back. You are still head up - which I could tell because your movement hasn't changed spots. You also have an arrhythmia with your heart. Dr. Lakin didn't seem concerned. She said it will probably heal itself before you are born, But we will watch it closely. You already have been causing a stir with pains and contractions. You are leading up to being just as big of a trouble maker as your big sister was. Daddy got to feel you move a lot the other day. We joked that it felt like you were running a marathon like Aunt Lisa. Lexi talks to you and asks about you all the time. We all love you so very much! Love Mommy!

The only picture of your face

Sunday, July 8, 2012

My sweet hearted Lexi

I was laying bed today, rather upset. Lexi came in to ask me if she could read stories on my kindle. She saw my crying an automatically teared up. Which made me cry harder. This isn't the first thing she has done this. She can not handle seeing me in pain. She was meticulously wiping my tears and telling me that I'm soaking wet, all at the same time that I'm trying to console her. My fear is that I have damaged her. That not only will she remember these times where she seems me crying in bed, but that somehow she will remember all the times when she was a colicky newborn and I lost my patience with her crying. I don't want to screw up her and Rex's lives. I want everything to be perfect for them. Lexi, You are my whole life. I love to sneak in and watch you sleep. I love to kiss your hands and your cheeks. I love to stroke your hair. I love when we have sleepover nights and we can cuddle all night long, until it's time to get up and go to work in the morning. I love how much you already love your baby brother. I love how you kiss and touch my belly. I love how you tell everyone about Baby Rex Allen. You are already his protector. You ask me almost every day if Rex Allen is ok. I already know you are going to be the greatest big sister. But, I see beyond that too. I see a lot of myself in you. I can let myself get completely wrapped up and distraught over people I don't even know and their hurt. I see this happening in your heart. I see your empathy working, and it's something I'm so proud of. I know you can truly feel sorry for people, already at your young age. Your heart is sweet and pure and amazing. Thank you for showing me all I need to be in life.

irrational fears?

Yesterday I had 3 contractions. They were spread out over 3 hours. They weren't painful, and I possibly wouldn't have even known that they were contractions if I hadn't experienced them before. The fact that I'm only 28 weeks tomorrow only slightly terrifies me. It's way too early for this to start happening. Then I have been having some heart palpitations. It makes me kind if short of breath when it happens. And of course it's frightening when anything happens with your heart. I have read that it is fairly common in pregnancy due to the extra blood flow, but I do have an ob spot tomorrow so I will bring it up. When I had the second contraction yesterday I was at my mom's. I kinds just zoned out. I had this completely panicked feeling. I know part of it is due to lack of control. I have a type a personality. I have to be able to plan things. And I am realizing that once again laborious and delivery isn't going to be something I can plan. I don't want another long hospital stay. I don't want my baby to be in the nicu again. I have had a few fairly bad headaches in the past week. That scares me because I had a fee really good weeks. I don't want them to get out of control again. And then just the fact that I have all these things, plus more running through my head all the time makes me feel even more panicked and out if control.

Friday, June 22, 2012

25 week bump update

*How far along?: 25 weeks 4 days 
 *Total weight gain: I think I'm still a couple pounds under what I was when I got pregnant...which was way too much. 
 *How big is baby?: The size of an eggplant. Approximately 1.6 pounds.
 *Sleep?: I generally don't sleep for more than a couple hours at a time without having to wake up and use the potty.
 *Best moment this week?: Having more pain-free days than pain-full days.
 *Movement? He is definitely a mover. Constantly! 
 *Food cravings?: Nothing in particular, but when something happens to cross my mind I need it right now. *Labor signs?: Not yet, thank goodness
 *Belly button in or out?: Still in. It never popped with Lexi so I don't expect it to this time either. 
 *What I miss: Being able to sleep on my belly. 
 *What I’m looking forward to: Jacob being able to feel more movement. Dr's appt on Monday so I will get to hear his heartbeat again.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Rex Allen

Rex Allen, My baby boy. I wake up every day waiting to feel your movements. I could lay in bed and feel you move all day long and never get tired of it. I can't wait to see your face. What will you look like? Will you look like your big sister Lexi? Will you look like me or Daddy? Will you have red hair like your Poppy? What will your personality be like? I just can't wait. To say I love you more than life is an understatement. I live my whole life for your sister and you. You are my life. I walk around so proud just knowing that I have you inside of me. I just love you.


I'm struggling to get by. I have everything I could ever want in life. A husband, a daughter, a son on the way. A house, a job, a car. A family who loves me unconditionally. But, I'm struggling. This migraine is out of control. Going on 9 weeks of pain is miserable. It's unbearable. And it has changed me. There are days when I can't get out of bed. There are days when I get out of bed but struggle to make it through the day. My daughter doesn't know me outside of the bedroom. She is worried beyond belief. Her little 3 year old heart has so much compassion it's almost unbelievable. I think my husband hates me. Hate may be a strong word. But, it's what I feel is coming from him. Our relationship is struggling. And it's my fault. My work is suffering. I know I can't miss a day a week for the next 4 months and still keep my job. But how do I get by? I feel as if no one believes me anymore. No one believes that the pain won't go away. No one believes that there's nothing the drs can do. The drs don't know what to do. I say I can't do this and someone tells me I can. I say it's too hard and they say nothing is too hard. But it is. It's just too hard. I am letting someone down at every moment of the day. And that's too much for me to bear. I'm an over-achiever. It's in my personality to make people happy. I don't want anyone to ever be upset with me. I don't want anyone to ever feel let down by me. But, that's all I do lately. Let people down. I don't live up to anyone's standards. No, I'm not depressed. I'm in pain. Is there a difference anymore? I'm in bed either way. I cry every day either way. But, I know in my heart that this isn't the feeling of depression. I know what that feels like. I take a pill for that every day. That's one pill I won't miss, because I know what happens if I do. I would do anything to feel better. Anything. I would do anything to not let everyone down. I would do anything to mend my relationships and make everything normal again. I would do anything.

Friday, June 8, 2012


First thing...I got to come home from the hospital today! So excited to be back in my own bed. But tonight I got this overwhelming sadness. At first I couldn't really explain it. I mean, I am home...Lexi is home...we're all together...pain is a little better, so I should be good right?!? The more I started thinking about it, the more it started to make sense. I am scared of the pain coming back full force. I'm scared to wake up tomorrow with an 8 on the pain scale...which has been the norm up until today. I wanted to come home from the hospital more than anything, but I didn't realize how nice it was to know that a nurse would be checking on me all day, and if I needed anything I could just push the little red button. I'm scared of having to manage the pain on my own at home. I'm scared that if the pain comes back how will I function. The past few days if I was in pain it didn't really matter because my only job was to lay there and try to feel better. But now that I'm home I have other normal things that I have to do...go to work, take care of my daughter. I'm scared that if the pain comes back there are some people who won't handle it gently. Then Jacob informed me today that we just aren't going to have the money to make the trip to Dallas to hang out with my best girlfriends at the end of this month. I have been looking forward to this trip since the day I left Dallas after our trip last year. So, bummed doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Devastated is more like it. I completely understand and I am not angry with him in the least for this. Then, as per my nature, I have extreme guilt. I am already worried about the hospital bills for this little adventure we were on this week. Not just regular hospital bills, but the MRI cost also. I am worried about my lack of a paycheck next week. I am guilty for the fact that my mom missed a lot of work this week, which will also affect her paycheck. I feel guilty because of the stress and worry I put on Jacob and the rest of my family. I have a million things going on in my head. I need to finish 1 baby blanket, do another for friends. I need to do a baby blanket for Kristin, and also one for baby Rex. I need to plan a baby shower for Kristin and buy her gifts. There's just a lot still going on in my head. So needless to say, I still need prayers.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

hospital part 2

Today was my second full day here. There is really nothing new to report. I still have pain. I woke up this morning and rated my pain as an 8. When Jacob got here my food tray was already here but I couldn't even force my eyes open. I eventually ate my breakfast and felt a little better. I got pain meds at 1:30 and then slept for a while. It wasn't a hard sleep, I could still hear everyone in the room but I once again felt like I couldn't force my eyes open. When I did wake up in a couple hours I was feeling (much) better. I ranked my pain as a 5 and I didn't ask for more pain meds at 5:30. We were waiting all day for an internal medicine consult. They finally came right before 7 and stayed approximately 3 minutes. I didn't understand what his plans were and I was still hopeful about going home tonight, so Jacob chased him down the hall. He thinks the neurontin needs to build up in my system. He may increase the dose tomorrow. The general consensus between him and my ob is that I willnot be going home until the pain ia gone. That's a scary thought considering I have beenin pain for 7 weeks. So when Jacob came back in and told me that I pretty much had a breakdown. I want to go home! I feel like I can rest and take pills at home. Jacob immediately called my mom who got me calmed down. I got pain meds at 8. The nurse told me not to wait too long in between so the pain doesn't get intolerable. I have been sweating like crazy in here. Everyone keeps talking about how cold it is but I literally feel like my bed is an oven. The fan is missing from my room so that sucks. Keeping my fingers crossed that I have a good night and get to go home tomorrow. Lexi is coming home after being gone for a week so I want to be there not here. I have tried to keep everyone updated as much as possible. It has been hard to keep up with all the texts and tweets. Eventually I will get my Thanks out to everyone. I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers so much. ignore any typos! I am using the kindle fire and I'm still not used to the keypad.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

labor and delivery

Well I beat my own record of having to go to labor and delivery. 23 weeks 1 day this time. The past few days my migraine has been getting worse and worse. I have slept for less than 6 hrs since Saturday because of the pain. Today I got to work and started throwing up. It was pretty uncontrollable so i went home. I called my ob because I was concerned with getting dehydrated,and of course the pain. My ob called me back and told me to come to labor and delivery to be admitted for 24 hrs. I got here and they did bloodwork and started iv fluids. I got a couple pain pills and dozed for a second. The pain is still on about the same level. I think the plan is to do an mri tomorrow. Hopefully it comes back clear. I'm sure it will because it always does. Jacob went home to sleep and I'm starving. Off to hopefully get some sleep.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Little Bitty Turns 3

When Lexi was born she weighed 5 pounds 5 oz and went to the NICU for 9 days.  Jacob's mom (Granny) started called her Little Bitty.  I always think about that now because she is so big, and tells us all the time that she's not a baby.

We had Lexi's 3rd birthday party today.  Her actual birthday is May 3, but this is the first free weekend we have had.  We went back and forth on themes, but she settled on Princess and the Frog.  I think she would watch that movie on repeat 24/7 if we would let her.  We found the package we wanted from Party City.  If you order in the store you can get free shipping to your home.  I was so excited when it came in this week.  It is so cute!  And filled with so many great things.  I didn't have to purchase anything extra to go with the supplies.

I wasn't sure how many people were going to show up to the party, but by last night I had a good feeling we were going to have a house full of people and I kinda started to panic.  And of course we cleaned like maniacs because this is the first time we are hosting a party in our new house...and some people had never been here before.

I went back and forth on what to do about a cake.  I really wanted to get her something to go with Princess and the Frog, but I kinda ran out of time and money.  So we happened to be walking through Aldi yesterday and saw these cute little ice cream cakes.  So we got 2 of those and called it good.

Lexi greeted everyone at the door and told them that it was her Princess and the Frog Birthday Party.

Thankfully Jacob's Nana called and told us she was bringing 2 card tables with that gave us extra seating.

Mantle decorations

Cups, Forks, and Spoons
(The purple ones came with the package and I had the clear ones)



Birthday Banner
(It came with tons of numbers to personalize it)

Balloons came in the package

I googled it, and it said these are called Party blowers

Table decorations

These invitations came with the package, but we ordered so late that we had already sent invitations out.  So I used a few of them to decorate the front door.

I could go on and on about how proud I am of my girl.  She did so great even though she didn't have a nap. She told everyone thank you and gave lots of hugs and kisses.  After everyone was gone she said, "I loved my party.  Everyone was here."  Yes indeed!  Everyone was here!
The cakes
I didn't taste it but everyone said it was really good.  And we had the perfect amount.

The beautiful birthday girl

When I think about this day I am so happy that I could cry.  I don't like the stress of preparing and wanting everything to be perfect.  But, when it came down to was the perfect day.  We will leave the decorations up for a couple of days probably so Lexi can enjoy them more.  Thank you everyone for coming and making her day so special!  We love you!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

My sick girl

Lexi is sick.  :(
She had some yucky green snot a couple mornings early this week.  No big deal, I've been suffering from allergies so I thought it was probably the same thing for her.  So Monday night I gave her some benadryl at bed time.  Jacob said she was pretty whiney Tuesday morning, but we all have our days right?!  So he took her to school like normal.  He got a text that morning (before lunch) that she was really not feeling well and running a 102 fever.  So he went and got her.  He came home and gave her some Advil.  She layed down on my pillow in front of the fan and fell asleep.  The fever came down some.  I ended up coming home early because I couldn't even function at work.  I was a nervous wreck.  I just didn't like the fact that I wasn't there with her.  I mean, I know Jacob is fully capable of taking care of her...but everyone needs their mama when they are sick right?!  She generally doesn't run a high might get to 99 or 100 but that's it.  So it had me worried.  She was fairly lethargic last night but we alternated Advil and Tylenol every 4 hours and it kept the fever around 100.  You could tell she just wasn't feeling good though.  Granny came over to see her and she wouldn't do anything except for lay in bed, and that's so not like her at all.  She ended up sleeping with me because I figured we would both sleep better if she was with me.  She slept pretty good, but I was still checking her temp and feeling her forehead all night.  Her fever came down overnight.  But she woke up this morning running a 101 temp again.  Jacob had his mom come over to watch her and call the dr.  They said to bring her in immediately.  She got there and wasn't running a fever, as I had given her Advil before I went to work.  They checked her for mono and strep and they both came back negative (thank goodness!)  They said one of her tonsils was a little swollen, but nothing major.  They checked her ears and amazingly enough she doesn't have an ear infection.  That's usually the culprit when she gets sick.  So they said it just was something viral and would have to run it's course.  It's good to know that there's nothing wrong with her, but that also means that there's no medicine to give her to make her better....just medicine to control the fever.  I ended up coming home at noon with a really bad migraine.  When I got here Jacob was taking her to McDonald's for lunch.  She was feeling much better and had no fever!  She acted pretty normal this afternoon, but then around 4 got really whiney so I took her temp and it was back up almost to 101 again.  So more advil for her.  Gave her some more medicine at bed time and put her in our bed.  It literally took her 2 minutes to fall asleep.  That's a sure sign that she's not feeling she usually has to read and talk for at least 20 minutes before falling asleep.  Aunt Lisa is coming down tomorrow to watch her.  Hopefully her fever breaks overnight and stays down!  Her birthday party is this weekend, so we really don't want to have to cancel that.  She's been talking about it all week.
I know that was a really long post about just 2 days time, but I feel better just talking about her!  Say a prayer for my girl if you would!
                               My sick girl last night.  She looks much the same right now.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Letter to Lexi

3 years old!  Where has the time gone?  It seems like just yesterday you were a tiny baby, in a little isolette because you found it too cumbersome to retain your body heat.  And now…now you barely need me.
You have a big girl bed that you can get in and out of.  But mom or dad still has to tuck you in and turn on your music, and help you pick out which books you are taking to bed.
You use the big girl potty.  You don’t even need the tiny little girl potty anymore.  You use it as a step stool to get to the big potty.  And we rarely even know you need to go until you tell us that you’re finished and you need someone to turn the water on so you can wash your hands.
You can open the fridge to get your own string cheese.  But you still need one of us to open the package for you.
You passed your 2 year and 3 year “tests” at school with flying colors!  You are one smart princess!
You love to blow bubbles and play outside.
You love to wear your cowboy boots and cowboy hat all the time.
You push your step stool all around the kitchen so you can be involved in whatever is going on in there. 
You still don’t eat very much, and very rarely will try a new food.  But that’s ok.  You’re still healthy.
I love you!  And I hope I’m everything you need me to be as your mom!