Thursday, May 19, 2011

the one about depression

I've been trying to pinpoint what exactly has brought my depression out of hiding this time. Going back to work shouldn't have done it, because I always feel like a better person when I'm working. Missing out on the 3 hr naps with Lexi is something i miss, but that shouldn't be it either.Lexi being sick over the weekend. Something about it started my anxiety spiraling. She had hit her head twice a few days before she started throwing up...so of course I'm paranoid about that. And I'm just the kind of mom that cries when her baby is sick. She's so sad and helpless. But i was able to be there and comfort her. When i went to work and her to school on Monday i wasn't there to have "control" of the situation. Even thinking about her being at school without me kinda gets my heart pumping a little bit. So in my own head, if i can't have control of the situation i might as well block it out all together? But once i start that cycle it's hard to break it. Once i spend the day in bed, it's hard to get up the next day and do the right thing.All i can do is try.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

i'm sorry

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've failed so many people. I'm sorry that I fail you on a daily basis. I know we all have struggles, and I know mine probably aren't worse than yours. But I don't ask for much. A little compassion goes a long way. I'm sick dammit. I'm not faking. I'm not faking to get attention or whatever it is you think. If it makes any difference my boss passed my desk today and told me I should go home because I didn't look like I felt good. The truth is I spent time in the bathroom crying today because I felt so sick, but knew I needed to be there.I haven't had a good night of sleep in years. But no one listens. But this week I feel like I haven't slept at all. I lay in bed and toss and turn all night. And if pure exhaustion can make a person sick, then I'll blame it on that.I know I need a job. And I know I can't keep one if I'm sick all the time. But how do you tell your body not to get sick? How do you make yourself sleep at night? I feel like everyone I live with is disappointed in me, and maybe they should be.But I'm sick. I don't feel good. I want to take a handful of pills and sleep for a week. Maybe then it will be better. Maybe then people will understand me.I am laying in bed crying now because I don't know what else to do. I'm so sick that crying is all I can do. I'm crying because I don't want to see the looks from everyone else when they come home. I'm sick...and why do I have to explain to the world why I'm sick.Am I depressed? Yes, I think so. What caused it to come back? I don't know. I thought it was gone. But I guess not. So that's one more thing that I can't just get over and move on.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

breaking point

I haven't slept in 2 nights. Literally 2 nights with very little sleep. I don't understand why I don't sleep. Obviously drs think I'm just trying to scam pills off of them. But honestly...when you drive yourself to work, get out of your car, and don't really remember how you yot there...that's a problem. Why can't they see that? I'm not looking for your sympathy...so don't feel like you have to say sorry. I have tried things like cutting out all caffeine....which gives me a major migraine...and still didn't help me sleep better. I've taken upwards of 6 Tylenol pm to get a couple hours of sleep. I know with this exhaustion will come a migraine, which is going to make the exhaustion worse.All in all, I feel like I'm not going to get along with today.Jacob was so nice to let me go to bed early last night because i wasn't feeling well. But there's no way I'm going to get a second night of going to bed early. I'm on a teeny break at work before all hell breaks loose, so there's no chance of me getting to go home early. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Monday, May 16, 2011

scared to be this way

There are times when I don't really understand this life. What my purpose is here. I get up, drive to work, do work, drive home..survive until bedtime...lay in bed for hrs with no sleep.I'm exhausted. I am the kind of person that needs 8+ hrs of sleep to function. And I very rarely get that much. From exhaustion comes emotion. I miss that I used to have friends. Now, I was never popular...but I had friends to run Around doing stuff with. Now that doesn't happen. And it's not just because I have Lexi. I know it's a 2 way street, but it feels like it's all my fault. If I could have been skinnier or prettier then I would have had friends. And it's still that way now. People at work talk to me, acknowledge the fact that I'm there. But I'm never going to fit in and be one of them.So when I come home and want to go to bed it's because it's my safe place. It's the place where I can think and cry. It's the safe haven i have created for myself. It's where i hide from the world that is banging down the door screaming about bills getting pd. I feel like every part of my day is survival mode. Getting out of bed is a struggle. Driving to work is a battle. Juggling through all the papers on my desk is a nightmare. No wonder I live off exedrin. Driving home...same struggle as before. Playing mommy for a few hours is overwhelming. And then bed.
Safe again, for a while

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Old Job that's New Again

A little background:
About this time last year I started working for Zanybandz...it didn't last very long, and by the end of August I found myself without a job. My sister had signed up with American Staffcorp so I decided to do the same. They sent me on a few interviews that didn't work out. One Friday in October they sent me to an interview at Chart Cooler Service Company. I got the job and started working there the last week in October 2010. What started out as a 2-4 week temporary job turned into almost 6 months there. Unfortunately in late March/early April business had slowed down and there wasn't a need for my position anymore.

After leaving Chart I did a couple weeks for Manhattan Construction. Awesome company, but not an awesome position. Since then I spent a couple weeks at home with Lexi and went on a few interviews that didn't work out. Thankfully for me Chart contacted me last week and said they needed to fill my position for 5-6 weeks. I was so excited! I really loved it there and was super excited to go back.

That's not to say I wasn't a little nervous about going back. It had been about 6 weeks since I had been there....would I remember everything I needed to know? Come to find out everything was still there in my head! When I went in Wednesday I was able to pick back up where I left off.

Not only does this put me back into society (it gets lonely staying home all day) but it puts Lexi back at her school, with her friends. She was so excited Tuesday night when she went to bed, knowing that she was going to get to go see her friends the next day. She did have a couple of rough mornings where we had to wake her up, which she didn't appreciate. Friday she was screaming "I want my mommy" when I was walking out the door. It makes it really hard to leave! But, I know we are both where we need to be right now.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mother's Day...and infertility

Mother's Day always brings a flood of emotions for me. I was lucky to have been raise in a wonderful family. I have my mom, but also my Grandma's. Now I have Jacob's Mom, and his Grandma.
Back before I had Lexi, Mother's Day was just another slap in the face to an infertile. It hurt!
Now that I have Lexi...idk...it's another day to be thankful. But, at the same time, yesterday I couldn't stop thinking the what ifs. What if I didn't have her? What if I was still infertile? What if, what if, what if... Not just that, but I also couldn't stop thinking of my CO sisters who are still battling infertility. Because it isn't fair. I have always been the kind of person that would much rather experience the pain, than someone else go through it. So, I can't help but think, Why am I so blessed to have a child? Why can't they have a child of their own? Also, why are there so many people that have kids and don't realize how truly blessed they are? I just can't stop questioning God. I know it's a problem. I know it's something I shouldn't do. I know there are some things that I will never understand...but I want to!
Jacob and I had a random conversation in the car a few weeks ago. One of those times where I spouted out my true feelings, tears and all, at a really weird time. We were talking about Kristin getting married and how she wants to have kids. I was saying how she had mentioned that she has the feeling she might have PCOS. This thought haunts me. Like I said before, I would much rather it be me than either one of my sisters. Because then I can handle it. They can't have PCOS, they can't have infertility, they can't have miscarriages. Because I can't handle it. I can't take control of the situation. If I have it, it's OK...not them. Jacob reminded me that it's not OK that I have it. It's not OK that I had miscarriages. It's not OK. But, if I had to pick...I would pick me.
I don't want to let myself think about it too much...because again, it's one of those things I can't control, that I don't have the answers to. But, the studies are there. PCOS is genetically linked. The chance is there, that one or both of my sisters could have it. Both of my dad's sisters had miscarriages with no diagnosed cause. Did/do they have PCOS? I don't know. They don't know. Chances are...they probably do. I have solice in the fact that my sisters have passed the age where I started having major PCOS related problems...so they don't have it right?! But, I've done too much research. I know too many people who have been diagnosed later in life.
What does this boil down to? Infertility isn't fair. I beg you to always, always remember the people in your life who are "Mothers in waiting." They have it tough enough as it is...without having to be forgotten on a special day.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Stealing Blog Ideas Already

I saw a great blog idea, so I'm going to steal it from Lisa and Joel. They talked about how they are critical of themselves, and made a point to talk about the things they love about themselves. I guess the easiest thing for me is to list the things I don't like about myself. That comes the most natural of course.
My weight would be the very first thing I would criticize when I look in the mirror. 2 years later and I'm bigger than when I gave birth to Lexi. I hate that! I tend to lay the blame on PCOS, and while it does make it harder to lose weight, I know it's possible. But, I lack motivation and willpower to stick with a diet. When it comes to food I'm not very strong.
I don't like my hair. It's decent, but nothing like I wish it could be. And I always have split ends!
This isn't something you can look in the mirror and see, but I wish I was a better wife and mom. I hold on to a lot of guilt. Things I can't go back and change, but I wish I could.
I hate that I have glasses. Shortly after Lexi was born I tore my last pair of contacts. At the time we didn't have vision insurance and there was no extra money for contacts. Now that we do have vision insurance I don't have extra time or money to go to the eye dr.
Now the hard part, the things I like about myself.
I have always liked my smile. Even though it's a little crooked, and my teeth are wanting to go to hell on me, I still like it.
I think I have cute feet. I know that's weird. It's especially weird since I absolutely hate feet, but I think mine are decent.
I think I have nice eyes. I love to experiment with eye makeup, and think I can do a decent job.
Well, that's all for now. I'm off to pick Lexi up from school and run to WalMart for a few things!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Starting Over

I'm starting a new blog. I always feel like after a while the blogs I create aren't "me" anymore. So let me do the typical first blog thing and tell you about myself.
My name is Danielle. I'm married to Jacob. Together we have a daughter named Alexia (Lexi). I have had many professions, but right now I stay at home with Lexi. After falling on some hard times last year, we had to move in with my parents. Jacob teaches Science in our hometown of Beggs, OK.
I have 2 sisters and a brother. My youngest sister, Kristin, just got married and moved out and it has been a huge change in our lives! My younger sister, Lisa, teaches Pre-K and lives in Tulsa. My brother, Glen, builds custom cabinetry.
I have 5 nieces (Zoe, Aubrie, Averie, Gracie, and Haley) and 3 nephews (Zander, Zavier, and Ceaton). Becoming an Aunt in 2002 was the most amazing thing that had happened to me up to that point. I can't wait for my sisters to give me more little nieces and nephews to spoil!
I have PCOS and it took us about 3 years to get pregnant with Lexi. She was born on May 3, 2009. She weighed 5lb 5oz and was a tiny 17 3/4 inches long. She went to the NICU for 9 days. The day I had to leave her in the hospital was the hardest day of my life. But, the day we brought her home was amazing!
Today is Lexi's 2nd birthday! I can't believe 2 years ago we were praying for her to get bigger and stronger so she could leave the NICU. Now she is an independent, intelligent 2 year old. You would never know she was in the NICU for 9 days! She makes me so proud every day.
I want to try to keep up with this blog. I want it to be something that people look forward to reading! But, mostly I want it to be really "ME." I want to be able to share it on facebook and twitter and not worry what people will think about it.
Anyways...thanks for reading! I look forward to blogging and gaining followers!