Monday, October 17, 2011

I'm sorry, again

I'm sorry you don't believe me when I say I'm sick. I'm sure I built this disbelief myself. I abused the system when my depression was bad. I would call in sick just to stay home because I couldn't stand the thought of getting out of bed. So now I have "boy who cried wolf" syndrome. No one believes me when I say I'm sick.
But, I don't do that now. When I stay home it's because I'm sick.
Two weeks ago I passed out twice. Once in my car while driving to work. Two weeks ago I went to the Urgent Care twice. Two weeks ago I got 1 shot of demerol in my ass that didn't even touch the headache I was carrying out. Two weeks ago I went to the dr 3? times. Two weeks ago I had an MRI to make sure there wasn't something wrong with my brain. That isn't faking so I can lay in bed.
Today, I was up every hour or so through the night throwing up. I don't know whether it's a bug or food poisoning. I just know it's rough. Currently not even water will stay down and I'm averaging 20 minutes per puking "session." That is not faking so I can stay in bed."
I bust my ass to do the right things every day. And I fail.
I bust my ass to be an amazing Mom. And I fail.
I bust my ass to be a wonderful wife. But I fail.
I bust my ass to be a beautiful daughter and sister. But I fail at that also.
Boss called asking why I'm not there. I called the "Call in line" because two weeks ago he told me to call it. Now he says call him. How do I know what to do on any given day? Boss is mad because Friday I didn't finish something important. Something important had computer issues and Someone Important was working on fixing it. At 5:00 I left. I didn't think I needed to stay past 5 on Friday waiting for something that could take hours to fix. Yes, I will be back tomorrow and if everything is operational, I will finish Something Imporant first thing in the morning.
I can't lose this job. I can't.
You better believe I will be there tomorrow, and every day after that. From here on out. I will go when I'm puking, have pneumonia, migraines, hell I'll even be there during a snow storm. Just to prove a damn point.
But things will change. Chances are, I will go into bitch-mode to get all of this stuff done.Bitch-mode isn't pretty, but it works.
This isn't just about work. It goes for everything/everyone else who is causing me to have a panic attack right now. I may be the shittiest person on the face of the earth, but I don't deserve to be constantly treated like this. Today I should be worried about how to make myself get better, not focusing on who's ass I'm going to have to kiss first. But, don't hold your breath, because I don't think I will be kissing too many asses. I will do what I have to do. Get up, go to work, do my job, come home, be with Lexi, and go to bed. I'm not going to be a pushover just so you will like me or believe me. I know I'm sick today. I guess if you don't believe that, I'm sorry.
I see both sides of it. Employers need their employees to be there. But, don't tell me you understand my health situation and then days later tell me that you don't accept my health situation.
But, just as a side note: If anyone would like me to send them barf bag pics from the side of my bed, hook me up with your cell # and I'll get those pictures right on over to you.
So, if anyone knows anything about getting FMLA paperwork filled out. Please let me know! danielle (dot)brigance(at)live(dot)com

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Friday Phone Dump

This is going to be my first time doing this, and naturally I'm a couple days late.

But here goes nothing.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Letter to Lexi 10/3/11

You are so grown up and so smart!
You keepo me on my toes wondering what new thing you will say today.
You go to school with Daddy and you love it so much.
You love to read, just like Mommy and Daddy and it makes us so happy.
We haven't gotten potty training down yet, but like everything else, I know you will do it on YOUR time!
You like to wake up early and yell until someone brings you to our bed, but Mommy loves your cuddles.
You can count all the way to 10. You know most of your ABC's but mix up the order. Your new favorite song is wheels on the bus. Daddy added "the Lexi's on the bus go Yay Yay Yay!" and that is your favorite part of the song. You can pick out certain numbers and letters when you see them. When the Channel 6 news comes on you always say "Homa Homa!" (Oklahoma)
You love to color and are starting to stay in the lines more. You love puzzles and Barbies.
Your new favorite show is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. That's the only show Poppy could find on tv one morning and you were immediately in love.
Lexi you are so loving and compassionate. A few weeks ago I was sick. You climbed in bed, patted me, and say "it's ok sissy." We very rarely have to punish you because just raising our voices hurts your feelings. You almost immediately stop, cry, get in Daddy's lap and seek his forgiveness.
Your strong will and attitude reminds me of myself.
You love sports, especially your OSU Cowboys. You love Pistol Pete and are so quick to throw up your pistols and give anyone you meet a "Go Pokes!"
During baseball season your favorites were Yadi and Berkman. I looked all over and couldn't find you a Cardinals shirt.
Lexi, I hope you always know how much I love you! You are my special miracle and I thank God every day foryou. I continuously wonder who you are going to become. Will you play sports, band, show animals? Or just be a diva princess?!
You teach me how to love with my whole heart and how to be loved in return!
Love you bunches and bunches!