Tuesday, June 11, 2013

2 am thoughts

I want to blog about my Grandma, but I just can't yet.
So I'm just going to blog about feelings.
My depression has started spiraling. It started before my Grandma passed away, but after that it got worse. About a month ago Jacob was gone for a week. So I was taking care of the kids alone in the evenings. Not a big deal because they really were great. But I didn't sleep well. I guess him not being here really affected me. Then I started getting really anxious. I would feel stressed out the majority of the time. After my Grandma passed all of that got worse. And on top of that my migraines started getting uncontrollable again. So last week I went to the Dr. We increased the dose on my effexor. And she gave me a prescription for ambien. It worked pretty good the first 3 nights, but the past 2 nights I haven't slept. It's currently 2 in the morning and I'm awake. Part of the reason for tonight is that I had a really bad migraine and fell asleep at 7, woke up at 10:30.
With depression and migraines I feel like it's a cycle. You get a bad headache so you go to bed, then you get more depressed because you're laying in bed and avoiding responsibilities. Then you stress, causing another headache. Around and around.
My boss left a couple weeks ago. He was a really great boss and was very understanding of my situation. So of course I'm worried that my new boss won't be as understanding. I need to talk to her about it, just to put it all on the table.
It is a struggle to get out of bed every day. Go to work all day, then come home and want to fall right back in bed. But I can't do that because my kids need me. They deserve more than this. My husband deserves more than this. And I feel like nobody really understands that I don't want to be like this. I feel like people think I'm using this as a crutch, when I'm trying my hardest not to. Idk, I guess if you've never experienced it, you just can't understand it.
I'm not sure when I go back to the headache Dr. But I have to talk to him about other options. It's June 11. I have had a headache 10 out of the 11 days. That's not ok. I have been researching nerve surgery and neurostimulator surgery. I don't want to have surgery, but if it will help then I am willing to do it. I just want to feel better.
Church was amazing Sunday night. I felt like he was preaching directly to me. He talked about how when we are sinking, we aren't sinking alone. How there are other people who are fighting the same fight as we are and together we can pull each other up. Very good message.
Well I have 4 hrs before I have to get up for work so I better try to get some sleep.