Thursday, February 27, 2014

The day after

Maybe I'll try to use this blog kinda like a journal.  Put something in it every day or so.  Even if it's just random things that I need to get out of my head.

Last night I finally fell asleep around 3. I guess around 5 Jacob ended up with both kids in his bed.  When I got up at 6:30 Lexi was watching TV in her room.  Jacob and Red were sharing 1 pillow on a queen size bed.  It was adorable, and you can bet I took pictures of it.

So as I was finally dozing off early this morning, I had full intentions of calling in to work when my alarm went off.  But, I got up at 6:30 and didn't feel too bad, so I figured I would give it a go.
Well, when I get exhausted my body shows it in the weirdest ways.  Chills, shakes, nausea, vomiting.  So as I went through the list while sitting at my desk, I started feeling worse and worse.  Throwing up was crossing the line for me.  I'm fairly certain I puked because of exhaustion, but there has also been a stomach bug going around, and I don't want to be responsible for spreading that like wildfire.  Anyways.... so I came home at 10.

I thought as soon as I laid down in bed I would crash.  But nope!  Didn't happen.  I didn't end up falling asleep until around 2.  Thank heavens for my sweet husband, who kept the kids corralled in the living room so I could rest.  I slept off and on until 6.  I got up and fed bubba a donut, read Lexi her book, and tucked them in.

Last night I started this Bikini Body Mommy Challenge.  Look it up on Youtube.  So Day 1 was last night.  My legs have been a little sore today, but nothing major.  Well after I did day 2 tonight I am still shaking.  And not just my legs.  I'm shaking all over.  Hoping this stomach stuff is gone when I wake up in the morning.

Thank you to everyone who left me comments on last nights blog.  On here, on Facebook, and through private messages.  I love you all!
I have a Dr's appointment scheduled for Monday morning at 8:15.  So hopefully I can get some answers then.

Thank you for reading!!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Depression

Why do I feel this way?
I have an amazing husband, 2 wonderful children, an entire family who love and support me.  But I'm sinking.
It starts out slow.  You might not notice it at first.  "I'm just having a bad day." But suddenly there are more bad days than good ones. 
I feel stupid.  There is no reason for me to be depressed.  Yet I am.
I take my medication.  Never miss a dose.  The dosage has been increased... within the last 6 months. But it's not enough.
Obviously.
I have found myself wanting to just be alone.  It's worse at night.  I was never diagnosed with PPD after having Rex.  And I never felt as bad as when I had it after I had Lexi. But every night I would go to bed and cry.  That's what it's like right now. I just want to lay in bed and cry.  But I don't really have a reason. Other than that there is obviously a chemical imbalance in my brain. 
I don't sleep. This isn't a new thing.  I started taking Tylenol PM when I was in college. So you can imagine the tolerance I have built up to that over 12 years. Same thing with ambien. I can literally take it and function like normal. On a good night it takes 2 hours to fall asleep.  Sleep lasts for 2 hours and then I'm awake for at least 30 minutes.  Then another 2 hours. Some night it takes 4-5 hours to fall asleep. I'm sure lack of sleep contributes to depression, although I have no statistics on that.
I honestly don't know why I'm writing this, or if I will even publish it. 
I don't expect sympathy. And I definitely don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. It's just kinda therapeutic to get the words on "paper" and out of my head.
All I want is to feel normal.  Fall asleep at a normal time.  Wake up to my alarm, and not dread getting out of bed. Spend the day not counting down the hours until I can go back to bed.
I have to put this out there also... this has nothing to do with Jacob. It's not a lack of love on his part. And I know he will feel like he should be doing something different.  But in all honesty, I don't think there is anything he could do that would make this any different for me. I love him, Lexi, and Rex with my whole heart.  And there will never be anything that would cause me to do something stupid to lose them.  Sorry rumor mill, gossip queens, I'm not committing suicide, or leaving my husband. :)
Jacob, bless his heart, has put up with my nonsense for 12 years now.  And he's still there.  Right beside me, loving me unconditionally.  Even when I deserve it the least.  He didn't know when we said our vows in 2005 that sickness would come before health.  He didn't know about the roller coaster he just signed up to ride.   He didn't know he would play nurse for days/weeks at a time while I am down with a migraine.  He didn't know there would be crazy phone calls begging him to come home.  Trips to the ER, Urgent Care, and Therapists have filled our almost 10 years of marriage.  I'm sure he didn't sign up for that. 
My kids didn't ask to have a mom who has spent weeks in bed with migraine after migraine.  Lexi shouldn't already know how to be my nurse.  She shouldn't even know what a headache is.  She shouldn't be able to see me come in the door, know something is wrong, and tell me to go lay down.  She shouldn't know that. 
They deserve so much more.
Jacob deserves a wife who cooks and cleans.  A wife who is bursting at the seams to see him when she gets home. 
My kids deserve a mom who could play with them for hours. Lexi doesn't deserve the fear she gets when I'm sick, that I will have to go back to the hospital and stay.  They don't deserve that. 
I am so so so blessed.  So someone please, please, explain to me, why do I feel this way?

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

When your friends are hurting

Right now I have a handful of very very close girlfriends who are going through some major stuff. If you know me, you know that I have some major empathy.  So when I say that when my friends are hurting, I am hurting.... it's the absolute truth.  My heart has been hurting all day.  Because I don't know what to do.  Sure, I can be there to chat with them. Answer their phone calls and texts.  Give them encouraging words and virtual hugs.  And of course I'm praying for them.  But they are scattered across the country, so I can't physically be there for them.  To give them a shoulder to cry on, or a real life hug. And that too pains me.

So, I'm coming here... to my 3 readers, to ask you.... what do you do in situations like this?

Help me!!