Saturday, February 28, 2015

The poor me post

A little warning before we start...I have taken my we may drift around a while.

Tonight I started feeling sick. Achey all over, really, tired, and freezing.  Which y'all know me...fat girls don't get cold!!!
So, I take my temp and get 99.1.  A little later 99.5 You see, Rex Allen is being treated for the flu right now.  He spent all day Thursday on my lap. Coughing on my face. So I really kinda knew I would probably get sick.  But I didn't really expect it to come on me so quickly.  I had been fine all day. And then this evening I just started feeling blah.  So if I get the flu, this will be the second time in less than a month that I have had it.  Last time it took me 5 full days in bed before I was ok to go to work.  Running a fever of 102 almost the whole time.

But it's not just this.  I haven't posted on facebook yet because I know what the comments will be.  
"You are sick all the time."
"Why do you get so sick all the time?
"I don't believe that you are really sick this much."
And of course there are the people who just straight up think I'm faking.

On one side I feel like I have earned those judgments. Because I am sick a lot.  I seem to have always something going on.  But what those people don't take the time to realize is that there is obviously something causing this.

I have done research after research on the link between PCOS and weakened immune systems.  They are starting to find the link there. 

Yes, I am sick a lot. No, I don't like it.  I absolutely HATE missing work...especially when I'm at a new job and my attendance is likely being closely monitored.

I have chronic migraines.  There were months when I didn't have 1 single non headache day.  I showed that to drs who didn't believe me.  I went to urgent cares that didn't believe me.  I've had MRI's and CAT Scans that look fine.  I've had botox that worked tremendously. I didn't pay all that money, and undergo all the testing and painful procedures just as my master plan to fake everyone out.

It hurts. It hurts me deeply when I know people don't believe me. It hurts when people make jokes and then say, "You know I believe you....I was just kidding." No, I don't believe that.  Because every joke comes from some truth.  It would be much better for you to be open and just say you think I'm a liar.

I do my very best to only post positive and uplifting things on my facebook. Mainly because I know there are people out there who are just waiting to attack any negativity I post. 
Here's the thing though.  When I'm sick...really sick....I complain a lot. I'm a whiner. I want everyone to know just how terrible I feel.  I don't want them to feel sorry for me...I just want them to know how I feel.  I will call my mom crying because I want her to come take care of me.  Even though I'm 31 years old with a husband and one can take care of me like my mom. 

I don't know where I'm trying to go with this.  You don't have to always believe me when I'm sick.  And you certainly don't have to fake like you do.  But for me, and others just like me, when you're already sick, or have a chronic condition, it is not helpful at all for people to comment about how I'm always sick.

Thank you for rambling through this with me.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Bucket List

I'm not really sure why, but I started to thinking about bucket lists this week.  I used to have a bucket list.  I knew where it was and would add or change some of my goals.  But it's been a while since I have seen it, or even thought about it. I know, own a home and have kids where on my list. Thankfully I can check those off.  But, I figure if I put the list here....then I won't be able to lose it, right?!  I know some people have these totally extravagant lists....don't expect that here.  I'm not going to put crazy, insane, impossible things on my list.  What point is it to have a bucket list that you are never able to check items off it?!

1. Get to a healthy weight. 
         -----My kids deserve to have their mom around for a long time.  And they deserve to have a mom that can chase them around the yard and have fun with them.
         -----My husband deserves to have a wife he isn't ashamed of.  I'm not saying that's how he feels, but in my head, that's how I think he feels.  He should be proud to be seen with me.  I want him to feel attracted by me.

2.  I want to run a 5k with my sisters. 
     -----We have done a 5k together, but Lisa was the only one who was really able to run the whole thing....and I think I came in last place of the whole race.
     -----This goes along with getting to a healthy weight.

3.  Have a dream job that I love so much I will retire from there.
     -----I thought I had found my place at my last job.  But all of the sudden one day, the rug was pulled out from under me.  I found myself having to start all over again.  Here I am 2 months into a new "temp to perm" job and I'm feeling that same love  feeling.  I'm so scared to let myself feel that way, because really I'm just waiting for myself to screw this up somehow.

4.  Be a better wife and mom. 
     -----I don't always communicate in the best ways....ok....I'll say it....I'm a yeller.  When my family doesn't listen, I raise my voice.  It's one of my worst qualities.  I would really like to get that under control.
     -----I don't cook.  Like...ever....I want to. I like to. But by the time I get home from work at the end of the day, the last thing I feel like doing is standing in the kitchen for an hour cooking.  And then another hour cleaning.
     -----Keep better control of the clutter in my house.  My husband and I are both semi-hoarders....not a good combination.  Currently I have a spare bedroom that is only accessibly by my 2 year old son who somehow climbs up in the mountains of toys and boxes of clothes, so that he can jump on the bed, or find an annoying toy I threw in there 4 months ago.

5. I want to create traditions with my own little family.
     -----Combinations of my family traditions and Jacob's family traditions. Mostly at Christmas, when everyone gets so busy and stressed.  I want us to be able to have our own traditions to settle down to. But all through the year.  I want us to create memories of running to the yard to look at a full moon...playing in the yard in the snow...summers spent at the ball fields. 

I know, this may seem like the most lame bucket list ever.  But's what I can think of right now.  I'm leaving it so that I can add or edit as I think of other things. Feel free to share your bucket list in the comments, or in your own blog!  Let me know and I'll hook you up with a link!