Monday, March 21, 2016

switching it up again

Well tomorrow I start orientation at target. So my kids will be going back into daycare. I don't worry about Lexi so much because she goes to school. But I do worry about my Rex Allen. I've been home with him for several months now so we have established a pretty good routine. And now I'm going to flip that routine upside down. I know he has friends there and his bestie cousin Mattie. But I worry about the first few days of transition. 
Financially we are in a place where I have to take a job even if it isn't my dream job. Target was the first place to call me in for an interview and hired me on the spot. I just have a few things I am going to need them to work with me on. Jacob has taken the responsibility of teaching a night class on Tuesdays and Thursday's. Which means he won't get home until late on those nights. Those are also the nights that we have softball practice right now. 
So basically I'm asking for prayers. Specifically that our morning will go smooth. That our transitions will be smooth. And that I can make this work for a while. 
As Jacob said last night, the situations haven't been ideal but our children are definitely building character. Tonight we talked about what "going with the flow" means and how we might just have to implement that mindset for a while. 

Friday, March 18, 2016

Why don't I sleep

well there are several reasons why I have a hard time sleeping at night.
I've always had a hard time falling asleep. So in college I started taking Tylenol pm to help me sleep. It worked for a while. But after time I built up a tolerance to that. Having to taking higher and higher doses. Around 2004 I started taking ambien. It worked like a dream at first. But eventually I built up a tolerance to that as well. I have tried pretty much everything else that is on the market for insomnia. To no avail.
So compounded with that ongoing issue, my mind is also like a black hole. It's like where ideas go to die. And when better to pull up those ideas than when you are trying to sleep. It's really hard to fall asleep when all you're thinking about is all the ways you failed today.
I'm unemployed. That's a big one. I spend lots of nights crying about the fact that I still am not helping support my family.
This week I spent 2 whole days awake. The third day I napped a little. The third night I slept decent. The fourth day I was still incredibly tired. Today the fifth day I was kind of able to function normally. I'm so scared that my body wants this to be the new normal. And it just can't be.