Tuesday, May 10, 2016

let's play a game

Let's play a game called truth or lies depression makes you believe. It's a really fun game, I promise. 
Question 1: can you actually force yourself out of bed to go to work?
Answer: I don't know. I probably could. But depression tells me no. 
Question 2: can you actually hold down a permanent job?
Answer: I don't know. If depression wins too many times then the answer is no. 
Question 3: can you make plans with someone and keep them?
Answer: probably not. Even without depression I'm am very socially awkward. So I tend to avoid social situations. 

Right now I don't have good answers. I would rather lay in bed than anything else in the world. 

You can call me lazy if you want. I understand that's what it seems like. But unless you've ever had that feeling where you wake up and have to force yourself out of bed, you wouldn't understand.

In all reality I wish my husband was pulling down a 6 figure salary. Not just so I didn't have to work. But so I could get some more help. 

If I could lay in bed 24/7 that would be awesome. I know that a problem. And it's not normal. But it's my normal. 

Friday, May 6, 2016

ramblings

I wish I could make my brain believe all the nice things people say about me. Kind. Compassionate caring. Big heart. But it just won't do it. My brain believes that I'm a failure. A nobody. That people say nice things to make me feel better. In reality I wake up every day wondering if this is the day I get fired from my job. Is this the day my husband leaves me for the person he deserves? Is this the day my kids realize their mom is a failure? I try. I try so hard. I have a panic attack every day before I go into work. I don't know why. I like my job. It's not overly stressful. But there's always a chance of failure. And failure is my track record. My husband deserves more. My kids deserve more. So when is the day that they wake up and realize that?  My poor mama. She has spent the last 39-some years raising babies. She should be on her prime right now. Doing what she wants to do. But instead she's worrying about me. Her oldest. The one she should rely on, not the one she should wonder if today she will get the call that it's all gone south. 
I've been dealing with a week long migraine. In all reality I should probably go to urgent care to try to get on top of it. By because I haven't had a steady job, I don't have insurance. So I just have to try to tough it out. And of course there's a link between chronic migraine and depression. But like I said in my last blog, I feel like this depression is something more. The first thing people are going to recommend is therapy. I just don't want to go to therapy. Talk about my problems to someone who doesn't understand them. It just seems pointless. Talk to your husband and family...it feels the same way. They don't know what I'm going through. So of course they feel bad for me and want to help. But there's nothing they can do. I feel like it's something I have to get over myself.  But I have no idea how to get over it. 

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

slipping

I can feel myself slipping. Holding on by a thread, but that thread is getting frayed. It's about to break. 
The dark cloud is starting to overtake me. I'm trying to push it away but it doesn't feel like I'm making progress. 
There isn't a good way to fix it right now. Sure, I could change meds. But the med I'm on right now is so hard to come off of that I seriously think I would have to do it in a hospital setting. And I just can't do that right now. 
My work schedule is part of it. I've been working some weird hours. Like not going in until 2-3 in the afternoon. It's nice to have nothing to do all day. But all I end up doing is dreading going in. 
I never see my husband. Between his late nights and mine we pretty much just sleep in the same bed. 
My house is a wreck. Bad. Like I would not let anyone walk in the door right now. I'm struggling with making my kids clean up their own messes. They are accustomed to me doing it. But I don't have time to do it. And frankly I don't want to do it. Just put your trash in the trash and dirty clothes in the hamper. 
Migraines are becoming a daily occurance again. Not much I can do about that. 
I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Laying in bed right now and I can't decide if I want to cry or run away. 
I need help but I don't know how to get it