14 and 4

It's a weird title, but stick with me.
14 years ago today I lost my Papa Judd. I can't believe it has been that long. I remember that day perfectly. He was my first Grandparent to pass away. Let me tell you how it happened.
Papa had been sick and in the hospital for a while. Since they live 4 hours away, we weren't able to go and visit him often enough.
I remember that it was the first week of school. The first week of my 8th grade year. I remember being in English class. I got a call to bring my stuff to the office. When I got there Grandma Eva was waiting for me with my sisters. She said she was taking us home. I didn't know what was going on, but I knew it wasn't good. My parents would never just pull us out of class. When we got home we found out that we were making the 4 hour drive to see Papa because he wasn't going to last much longer.
I remember going to the hospital and everyone being there. I remember we got to go in and talk to him even though he wasn't awake. I remember the nurses coming in and out crying as they left. He had a way of impacting everyone that he met.
At some point several of us left to go get something to eat for dinner. I don't remember where we went, but it seems like the table we sat at was one of those with a booth on one side and chairs on the other.
When we got back to the hospital my uncles (my Mom's brothers) were waiting for us outside. At that moment, everything changed. They told us that Papa had passed while we were gone. My 2 aunts automatically fell down in the parking lot crying and screaming. While my mom just hugged my Uncle Russell and cried. I remember him saying "it's weird how me and you are so much alike."
We went back up to his room. We all got to go back in one more time. I remember trying to hold myself together. But everytime I was able to control the tears someone would say, "he loved you so much" and I would lose it again.
I remember being so mad when the chaplain came to pray with us because he kept calling him Howard when his name was Howell. How could he not get his name right?!I don't remember anything about that night after that.
I remember my Grandma going to the funeral home every day to see him. When we had his viewing the whole family got to just sit and tell stories about Papa. I think his brother said something about him looking like he could sit up at any minute and ask us why we were all crying. He did look much better than he had in several months.
I remember the night before the funeral Grandma was really upset. I remember her saying "I won't be able to go see him anymore." I don't remember the funeral. And I don't remember the burial. That's probably for the best.
I miss him every day. I wish he could have met Jacob. And I wish Lexi could sit on his lap. He would love all the great grandchildren he has now.
4 years ago today I lost my Uncle Steve. I also can't believe it has been 4 years that he has been gone. He was a great man.
He used to always dress up as Santa for the parades and festivities in their town. We have home video of him coming into the house dressed as Santa handing out candycanes. It's so funny because all of us older kids knew it was him, but it was so special and fun.
On my wedding day, after driving 4 hours, he went and got me and my bridesmaids something to eat for lunch. I will never forget that.
He used to poke his tongue out when he was working on something. Lexi does it now, and I always call her Uncle Steve. I can't wait until I can tell her about him someday.
Mom called me late that night. When the phone rings in the middle of the night I go into panic mode, because people don't call me in the middle of the night. When I answered, mom immediately told me to wake up Jacob. I remember saying why. She said just do it. So, I woke him up. She told me that Uncle Steve had died. I think I asked how and she said she didn't know. I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. I kept tossing and turning, waking up thinking it had to be a dream.
When I packed my bags to leave I threw in an OSU shirt. As I did, I smiled. Because he was a huge OU fan, I knew he would be giving me heck for wearing an orange shirt. We drove like hell to get there the next day. But when we got there I found myself not knowing what to do. I knew I would have to face Aunt Valerie, and I had no idea what I could say to her. I walked in and immediately went to my mom and buried my face in her shoulder. By the time I got to Aunt Valerie I was already crying. Then came the "he loved you so much."
I remember sitting in Aunt Valerie's house while people streamed in and out. The thing I will never forget is how strong she was through the whole thing. People would come in crying and she would comfort them. I don't know how she did it. She is an amazing woman.
His service was beautiful, and as they carried the casket out of the church Boomer Sooner was playing. He went from the church to the cemetary in the back of a firetruck. He would have loved that.
I do wish Lexi could have met her Uncle Steve. He loved kids, and he would have a blast with all these great nieces and nephews he has now.
It's hard on a day like today to focus on work. To focus on anything except for grief. But everytime I felt the tears coming today I said a quick prayer for Grandma Judd, because she lost her husband. For Aunt Valerie, because she lost her father and her husband. For Steven and Derek, because they lost their Papa and their father. It helped me to stay focused. It also helped me to know that I wasn't alone in my grief today. I know that my whole family is hurting today.
They have taught me to not take anything for granted. We are never promised a tomorrow. Tell people that you love them. Let them know how much you care!

Father's Day

Let's talk about Fathers. I truly believe I have the best Dad in the whole world. Now it wasn't always the breezy relationship we have now. When I was a teenager I pushed the limits. My mom...you can't push her...she will snap, and it will not be pretty. (Sound familiar? Lexi and i have the same attitude!) But with Dad, i could push and push and push. Looking back i don't understand it. I still cannot hear the song "Daddy's Hands" without tearing up thinking of my own Dad. He was tough when he needed to be and soft when he needed to be. He always told us when we were in the wrong, but he also praised us when we were right. We have pictures of him sitting in the kiddie pool with his cut off denim shorts, letting us pour buckets of water on him. When we were young he built us a sandbox. Talk about amazing! As he and i were getting ready to walk down the aisle at my wedding he knew i was nervous. He looked down at me and said, "are you ready to do this?" I was ready to marry the love of my life, but i still needed my Daddy by my side. He used to jump on the trampoline with us. And fly kites. He is an amazing Dad!The next Dad on my list is my Grandpa Gleason. We call him Papa, everyone else calls him James or Jimmy. He is truly amazing. It melts my heart to see Lexi climb up on his lap and read him a book. I know it melts his heart too.Next, Jacob, my amazing husband, the Father to 3 angels and 1 beautiful little girl. You always know how much you love your husband, right? Wrong! You never know how much you love your husband until you see him site over you while you're pregnant. And then that love multiplies again when you see him hold your baby for the first time. See, i was unconscious for several hours after delivery. Lexi went to the NICU. The nurses had to make Jacob go with her. He didn't want to leave me. He spent the whole early morning chauffeuring people to see Lexi. The video footage Mom took of Jacob talking to Lexi makes me tear up just thinking about it. It was amazing!Grandpa Judd: He's been gone too long. But i will never forget the time we shared. He used to tell the best jokes. We didn't get to see him much, so he doted over us when we were there. I miss him so much. And it breaks my heart that Jacob never got to meet him. They would have loved each other. I also am sad that Lexi can never jump up in his lap. But maybe she got to meet him on the other side.All my uncles: We have a huge family. We are all very close. My uncles have been more like "extra dads" to me.I hope, not only yesterday, but every day of the year they know how special they are!

Mother's Day...and infertility

Mother's Day always brings a flood of emotions for me. I was lucky to have been raise in a wonderful family. I have my mom, but also my Grandma's. Now I have Jacob's Mom, and his Grandma.
Back before I had Lexi, Mother's Day was just another slap in the face to an infertile. It hurt!
Now that I have Lexi...idk...it's another day to be thankful. But, at the same time, yesterday I couldn't stop thinking the what ifs. What if I didn't have her? What if I was still infertile? What if, what if, what if... Not just that, but I also couldn't stop thinking of my CO sisters who are still battling infertility. Because it isn't fair. I have always been the kind of person that would much rather experience the pain, than someone else go through it. So, I can't help but think, Why am I so blessed to have a child? Why can't they have a child of their own? Also, why are there so many people that have kids and don't realize how truly blessed they are? I just can't stop questioning God. I know it's a problem. I know it's something I shouldn't do. I know there are some things that I will never understand...but I want to!
Jacob and I had a random conversation in the car a few weeks ago. One of those times where I spouted out my true feelings, tears and all, at a really weird time. We were talking about Kristin getting married and how she wants to have kids. I was saying how she had mentioned that she has the feeling she might have PCOS. This thought haunts me. Like I said before, I would much rather it be me than either one of my sisters. Because then I can handle it. They can't have PCOS, they can't have infertility, they can't have miscarriages. Because I can't handle it. I can't take control of the situation. If I have it, it's OK...not them. Jacob reminded me that it's not OK that I have it. It's not OK that I had miscarriages. It's not OK. But, if I had to pick...I would pick me.
I don't want to let myself think about it too much...because again, it's one of those things I can't control, that I don't have the answers to. But, the studies are there. PCOS is genetically linked. The chance is there, that one or both of my sisters could have it. Both of my dad's sisters had miscarriages with no diagnosed cause. Did/do they have PCOS? I don't know. They don't know. Chances are...they probably do. I have solice in the fact that my sisters have passed the age where I started having major PCOS related problems...so they don't have it right?! But, I've done too much research. I know too many people who have been diagnosed later in life.
What does this boil down to? Infertility isn't fair. I beg you to always, always remember the people in your life who are "Mothers in waiting." They have it tough enough as it is...without having to be forgotten on a special day.