Friday, June 8, 2012
First thing...I got to come home from the hospital today! So excited to be back in my own bed. But tonight I got this overwhelming sadness. At first I couldn't really explain it. I mean, I am home...Lexi is home...we're all together...pain is a little better, so I should be good right?!? The more I started thinking about it, the more it started to make sense. I am scared of the pain coming back full force. I'm scared to wake up tomorrow with an 8 on the pain scale...which has been the norm up until today. I wanted to come home from the hospital more than anything, but I didn't realize how nice it was to know that a nurse would be checking on me all day, and if I needed anything I could just push the little red button. I'm scared of having to manage the pain on my own at home. I'm scared that if the pain comes back how will I function. The past few days if I was in pain it didn't really matter because my only job was to lay there and try to feel better. But now that I'm home I have other normal things that I have to do...go to work, take care of my daughter. I'm scared that if the pain comes back there are some people who won't handle it gently. Then Jacob informed me today that we just aren't going to have the money to make the trip to Dallas to hang out with my best girlfriends at the end of this month. I have been looking forward to this trip since the day I left Dallas after our trip last year. So, bummed doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Devastated is more like it. I completely understand and I am not angry with him in the least for this. Then, as per my nature, I have extreme guilt. I am already worried about the hospital bills for this little adventure we were on this week. Not just regular hospital bills, but the MRI cost also. I am worried about my lack of a paycheck next week. I am guilty for the fact that my mom missed a lot of work this week, which will also affect her paycheck. I feel guilty because of the stress and worry I put on Jacob and the rest of my family. I have a million things going on in my head. I need to finish 1 baby blanket, do another for friends. I need to do a baby blanket for Kristin, and also one for baby Rex. I need to plan a baby shower for Kristin and buy her gifts. There's just a lot still going on in my head. So needless to say, I still need prayers.