Saturday, June 16, 2012
I'm struggling to get by. I have everything I could ever want in life. A husband, a daughter, a son on the way. A house, a job, a car. A family who loves me unconditionally. But, I'm struggling. This migraine is out of control. Going on 9 weeks of pain is miserable. It's unbearable. And it has changed me. There are days when I can't get out of bed. There are days when I get out of bed but struggle to make it through the day. My daughter doesn't know me outside of the bedroom. She is worried beyond belief. Her little 3 year old heart has so much compassion it's almost unbelievable. I think my husband hates me. Hate may be a strong word. But, it's what I feel is coming from him. Our relationship is struggling. And it's my fault. My work is suffering. I know I can't miss a day a week for the next 4 months and still keep my job. But how do I get by? I feel as if no one believes me anymore. No one believes that the pain won't go away. No one believes that there's nothing the drs can do. The drs don't know what to do. I say I can't do this and someone tells me I can. I say it's too hard and they say nothing is too hard. But it is. It's just too hard. I am letting someone down at every moment of the day. And that's too much for me to bear. I'm an over-achiever. It's in my personality to make people happy. I don't want anyone to ever be upset with me. I don't want anyone to ever feel let down by me. But, that's all I do lately. Let people down. I don't live up to anyone's standards. No, I'm not depressed. I'm in pain. Is there a difference anymore? I'm in bed either way. I cry every day either way. But, I know in my heart that this isn't the feeling of depression. I know what that feels like. I take a pill for that every day. That's one pill I won't miss, because I know what happens if I do. I would do anything to feel better. Anything. I would do anything to not let everyone down. I would do anything to mend my relationships and make everything normal again. I would do anything.