Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Letters to Rex 5/28/13

Rex Allen,

You are no longer my tiny baby.  You are a big handsome boy now!  Next week you will be 9 months old.  This first year is flying by! 

You can sit up now, but only if we sit you up.  You haven't figured out how to go from laying to sitting yet.  But you can go from sitting to laying without just tipping over.  :)  You are still army crawling, and it's the funniest thing I have ever seen.  You mainly use one arm and one leg....it surprises everyone that you don't just crawl in circles!  But when you are determined to get somewhere you can get along pretty quick.  You also have learned how to pull up from sitting to standing.  I haven't seen you do it yet.  But Granny saw you do it.  You eat your babyfood pretty good, when you feel like it.  You want to eat food off of my plate, but you haven't really figured out how to do it yet.  You sit up in the shopping cart and the highchair at restaraunts, and you think it's the coolest thing. 

You love to play with your cousin Mattie.  You want to touch her face all the time though, and she really doesn't like that.

Right now you have pneumonia. :(  You had a snotty nose and a little cough for a while, but Sunday when you woke up I knew you were super sick.  So we took you to urgent care.  They gave you a breathing treatment while you were there.  Of course we took pictures and posted them to facebook.  You did it just like a big boy.  You don't need the mask.  Mommy just holds the machine close to your face and you just breathe in the steam.  Sunday was so sad though.  You barely smiled all day.

You have that same sunshine smile that Lexi had when she was a baby.  And you are always smiling!  Everyone always comments on how happy you are. 

You haven't mastered sleeping through the night yet.  Some nights you do, but some nights you wake up to eat.  Mommy isn't worried about it yet.  Once you turn one then we will start sleep training you. 

I love you more than life my little man!



Letters to Lexi 5/28/13

Alexia Rosemay,

You are 4 (!) years old now!  I can't believe it.  Time has flown by. 

For your actual birthday you took cookies to school for your class.  Then later we had a birthday party for your family.  This year you picked princesses.  It makes me so very happy that you are a girly girl!  You love all things girly...princesses, jewelry, makeup, fingernail polish, shoes, purses, dresses, barbies.  You were sick at your birthday party, so you didn't have the best time.  But you still got to play with your cousins and friends.  Nanny made your birthday cake.  It had a real tiara and princess wand on it!  And the cake was pink!

You love your baby brother so much!  If he's crying you try to calm him down by talking to him or singing to him.  If there's a bottle ready you will try to feed him.  You are very good about keeping him safe.  You always keep all your little toys put away so that he doesn't choke on them.  In the past couple weeks you have learned that you can pick him up from laying to sitting, and laying him back down.  It kind of scares me, but you try to be gentle.  You are so ready for him to be able to get up and run and play with you.

You are ready to go to big school next year.  You passed your evaluations with flying colors!  You are such a smart girl.  You use big words in sentences. 

You are a master at working not only the ipad, kindle fire, and phones...but now you love the laptop!

You are addicted to netflix.  :)  My little pony is your favorite!

You got a bike for your birthday so we have been practicing riding it.  You love to be outside.  We have been going on family walks lately and you love that too.

After I had my surgery you were so worried about me.  And even now after I've recovered you still tell me to be careful of "that belly."  You have a heart of gold.  And it wouldn't surprise me if you decide that you are going to be a dr, nurse, or teacher when you grow up.  Whatever you decide, you will be great at it!

I love you baby girl!  You are the sunshine in my day!



Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Oklahoma Strong #prayforoklahoma

Immediately after the tornadoes started this week, I knew they were going to be devastating.  But I had no idea how bad is really was going to be. 
The first day was horrific, and I thought the worst was over.
The second day proved us all wrong though. 
The town of Moore, Oklahoma was hit by a massive EF-5 tornado.  With winds above 200 mph.
Many are dead, including children who were trying to finish up their last days of the school year.

What can you do to help?
This is the list I have come up with as of today.  I'm sure the list will grow in the coming days/weeks.

*Text STORM to 80888 to donate $10 to the Salvation Army USA (goes onto your phone bill)
*Text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 to the RedCross (goes onto your phone bill)
*Text FOOD to 32333 to donate $10 to the Regional Food Bank of Oklahoma (goes onto your phone bill)

*Operation BBQ Relief is a non-profit corporation founded in 2011 in response to a need for relief efforts in Joplin, Missouri.  They served over 120,000 barbecue meals in less than two weeks.  From that, their organization was born.  Visit their facebook pages for updates, volunteer information, needs, and requests for donated supplies. They deployed to Moore today.  From their website you can donate to their relief fund or volunteer to work with them.

*If you would like to help with clean-up please contact the Red Cross at 405-228-9500 and give them your information.

*Judah 1 is a Christian non-profit aviation ministry.  Besides providing air transportation for organizations like Make a Wish Foundation they also provide mission transport for disaster relief.  They have a donate box on their website.  Your donations are tax deductible.  Please mark your donation "Tornado May 2013."

*The Baptist General Convention of Oklahoma is another great place to donate.  100% of your donation goes to disaster relief and helping victims.  There is a button on the website, or you can mail checks to BGCO, ATTN: Disaster Relief, 3800 N. May Ave., OKC, OK 73112.

One thing that I keep seeing over and over is that you shouldn't just show up in the area without signing in with an organization such as the Red Cross.  You will just be in the way. 
They don't have the capabilities to store large amounts of clothes, etc. at the time. That will be set up in the coming days/weeks. 
Search facebook for groups related to the Shawnee or Moore Oklahoma Tornado Relief.  There will be more specifics for people in need. 

I know times are hard right now, and many of us can't spare the extra money to donate.  If you don't have the money to donate, or the opportunity to help out in person there is one huge thing you can do.  You can pray.  God hears our prayers.  He will never leave us nor forsake us.  Your prayers are more important than you think!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

the raw truth

I'm sorry that I complain a lot. I know no one wants to hear it all the time. But I use social media as a venting place.

This post is going to be brutally honest.
Lately I haven't been in a great place mentally. Physically my surgery and recovery were hard.  Mentally it was hard. What was supposed to be a laparoscopic outpatient surgery turned into 4 days in the hospital with a drain in my side. After I came home I struggled with how to make Jacob understand how much pain I was in. And I felt like a failure once again. Why couldn't my body just be normal? Would everyone think I was faking?
During that time I quit doing my bible study. And I can feel the devil working in my life. I don't like it one bit.

After my surgery I got a cold that knocked me down pretty hard. I guess after surgery your immune system can go down. Once again, so people think I'm faking?
I have sleep issues. As on, I don't sleep. I take an insane amount of meds each night hoping for a few hours of sleep. I never sleep for more than 2 hrs at a time. This does not make it any easier to manage my depression or my migraines.

Lately I have been plagued with crippling anxiety. I feel like I'm ready to jump out of my skin. But is this something that's all in my head?

Jacob is gone this week. I have managed amazingly well. I haven't lost my temper once. But I haven't slept for more than 4 hours each night since he's been gone. I guess I just need him here.

Tonight I slipped on the wet steps and fell. This is the second time I've done this. The first time I didn't really think too much about it. The steps were brand new and I had on flip flops. I had already been up and down the steps with the kids with no problems tonight. Then I remembered my coffee cup was still in the car, so I went out to get it. The first time I fell my feet went out from under me and I slid down on my butt. Tonight I fell off the side and landed on my right knee pretty hard. Immediately I went into panic mode. What if I would have been carrying Rex? What if it would have been Lexi? As exhausted as I am, I know I won't sleep tonight because of the anxiety I'm having....about the what ifs. Once again, to someone without anxiety, it's all in your head. But I can't turn it off.

I am constantly feeling like I have to prove myself to someone. Even with this post.
I feel like I have to prove myself at work. Even though I have been there almost 3 years. I feel like to some of the men in the office, I'm just a young girl who doesn't know what she's doing. And I definitely can't fill the shoes of my predecessor. (shout out to Teresa, the best purchasing agent I know.) I don't have her years of experience or all the knowledge that was stored in her brain, but I feel like I'm damn good at my job.

I feel like I have to prove myself at home. If I have a migraine, Jacob automatically jumps to thinking it's depression. Do I fault him for that? No! I spent many years, and eventually lost 2 jobs due to depression ruling my life. I claimed migraine when I didn't always have one. Because your boss doesn't care if you are so depressed that you can't get out of bed to eat, let alone come to work. But those days are over. I have (semi) control over my depression. So if I say I'm sick...then I am actually sick.

I feel like I have to prove myself to other moms. That I am a good mom. But as much as I want everyone else to believe that, I don't believe it myself. I will never get over the fact that I didn't pump for longer either time. I will never get over the fact that on my daughter's 8 month birthday I contemplated taking a handful of pills. I will never get over the fact that Rex spent the night in the children's hospital because I gave him an antibiotic that he possibly didn't even need.

I guess the main point of this drawn out story is that when I post something, I am not looking for sympathy. And I'm not begging for complements. I just want people to know the real me. What's going on inside my head. What it's like to be me.

If you made it through the whole blog....thank you for reading. Thank you for caring. And thank you for loving me despite my (huge) flaws.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

What happened?

Ok, first I want to apologize for the death of my blog the past month.  I really did have a goal to blog at least 3 times a week, but it just didn't happen.  My new favorite saying is "life happens."  And that is definitely the case here.  So, let's go back a while...I'll try to lay it out for you with dates.

Monday April 8--Rex has a fever.  He went to school, but then Jacob had to pick him up and take him to the dr.  He had double ear infections.  I left work around noon to go home and cuddle him.  Around 3 I noticed his breathing seemed kind of labored so I called the dr and then took him back in.  He listened to his lungs again and they still sounded clear.  He was just so congested that he was having a hard time breathing.

Tuesday April 9--The rule at the school is that you have to be fever free for 24 hours before you come back.  And even though he wasn't contagious, the dr recommended some tlc for Rex, so I stayed home with him again.

Wednesday April 10--I think this was a pretty normal day.  I went to work and the kids went to school.

Thursday April 11--I woke up in the morning with what I thought was gas pain.  I had been having this pain on and off for a few months.  I always just took some zantac and gas-x and it seemed to help.  So, before I left for work I took some gas-x and threw some extra ones in my purse.  I got to work and the pain started getting worse.  I took zantac and more gas-x and it didn't seem to help.  Then I started throwing up.  So, I left to go back home. The drive home was miserable.  I was in so much pain...one time I literally screamed out.  Got home and drank some mylanta...texted a few nurse friends, and just tried to find anything that would give me some relief.  I threw up a couple more times...this time it was really black and just nasty looking (sorry for the description!)  I thought maybe if I could fall asleep it would be better, so I took some benadryl and finally fell asleep with the heating pad on my belly.  I woke up when Jacob and the kids got home, but I was still in a lot of pain.  I couldn't stand and walk upright.  Jacob wanted to take me to urgent care, but I told him no because I would be really embarrassed if they did an xray and it was just gas!

Friday April 12--The pain was a tad bit better, but I still stayed home from work.  It was Jacob's birthday and I felt terrible that I couldn't really help him with the kids when he got home from work.  And I couldn't cook him dinner or do anything special for him.  For some reason Lexi asked to sleep with me that night.  She hasn't slept with me since I was pregnant with Rex.  Even though it was his birthday, Jacob agreed to sleep in the guest room and let her sleep with me.  My sweet Lexi, with her kind, gentle spirit.  I think she knew that I needed a nurse that night. She took good care of me!

Saturday April 13--Once again the pain was a little better, but not a whole lot.  Jacob told me that I didn't have an option, we were going to urgent care.  Because there's no way gas pain was lasting that long.  By this time, from talking to people and googling lots of stuff, I had decided it was either my gall bladder or my appendix.  At the urgent care the dr came in and talked to me about all my symptoms.  He had me lay down on the table and he started pressing on my belly.  I literally had to hold back a groan when he pushed on the middle right where it was hurting the worst.  He agreed that he thought it was my gall bladder.  They don't have an ultrasound machine to look though, so he would have to get me a referral to an imaging center....and that couldn't happen 'til Monday.  He did some bloodwork and gave me some pain medicine through an IV. The bloodwork came back pretty normal, so he didn't think I needed to rush to the ER or anything, but he did say that if the pain got any worse before Monday to just go to the ER because they would be able to look at it.

Sunday April 14--Jacob and the kids went to church.  I was still in too much pain to do anything.  Jacob and his mom were supposed to go to his Great-Aunt's house to clean up some stuff (she had just passed away recently).  I was texting and calling my mom and sisters and I/we/they decided that it really couldn't wait any longer.  I texted Jacob and told him that someone was going to have to take me to the ER.  Thankfully (again) I have an awesome husband and Mother-In-Law who rearranged their plans so he could take me in. When he got home from church I was laying in the fetal position in bed.  I threw some clothes on and we hit the road.  We chose to go to a closer hospital than the one I had delivered Rex at, because it's smaller and we figured the ER wait wouldn't be as long.  We got checked in and taken back to a room.  After explaining everything to the nurse and the dr, he ordered an ultrasound.  He also ordered some IV pain meds, but they didn't make it to me before I went to the ultrasound, unfortunately.  It was VERY uncomfortable.  They brought in IV morphine and gave it to me.  What I don't remember, is that morphine doesn't really last very long for me.  Like 15 minutes max.  My Mother-In-Law remembered this though and was telling Jacob over the phone that I needed something else.  The dr came in and told me that my gall bladder needed to come out.  I had gall stones, and the lining to the gall bladder was thickened.  They got me checked in upstairs for the night and I would see the surgeon in the morning.

Monday April 15--The surgeon came in and explained everything to me and gave me some options.  We opted to have the surgery that day at 2:00, so then the waiting game began.  I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since midnight...and I hadn't really eaten anything since the previous Wednesday. So after waiting forever in the pre-op room I finally went to surgery.  This was my first surgery and it was definitely a different experience.  The big room...people milling around...laying on the table.  I remember waking up in a lot of pain.  I was sitting up and they were giving me a breathing treatment.  She kept telling me to take deep breaths, but it hurt so bad!  She gave me some ice chips and they moved me back to my room. When I got back to my room, I guess they asked me what my pain level was and I said 5.  I don't remember that, it's just what Kristin and Jacob told me.  I was really really tired and just wanted to sleep, but they wanted me to get up and try to use the bathroom.  When I stood up that's when the real pain hit.  I had 2 or 3 people help me to the bathroom.  Then getting back to bed the same thing.  I asked when I would get to go home, because with laparascopic surgery you generally get to go home later the same day.  All they told me was not today.  I remember being really upset that I was going to have to stay.

Tuesday April 16--I was still in a fog a lot of this day.  Anesthesia hits me really hard and takes me a few days to really get over it.  I would just be sitting there and drift off to sleep.  I was still on a liquid diet, so every day breakfast, lunch, and dinner was broth.  I was drinking tea at lunch and literally fell asleep holding the cup and spilled it on myself.  The pain was still really severe, especially when I had to get up.  When I would make it back to the bed I would be shaking because I was in so much pain.  They were alternating between IV morphine, and oral pain meds.  My gall bladder was in really bad shape when they got in there.  There was a lot of fluid/blood around the gallbladder and my liver.  They had to put in a JP drain to keep draining some of the fluid off.  That was really uncomfortable.  They did more bloodwork, and my liver enzymes were still elevated, so they told me I still wouldn't be able to go home. :(

Wednesday April 17--I finally got to go home this day!!  It was evening before I was able to be released.  They came and pulled the drain out.  It didn't hurt, just felt kind of odd.  There were 2 student nurses, and then my nurse in the room.  I guess when they pulled the drain there was a lot of fluid that was still seeping out.  The student nurses kind of panicked, which alarmed me.  My nurse went to find the surgeon.  He said it was pretty common, just to cover it with gauze.  So once they got me bandaged up and released, we headed to Target to get my prescription filled.  I walked into Target which really was not the best idea, but I didn't want to sit in the car. I still couldn't walk upright and was in a lot of pain.

I took Thursday and Friday off from work.  By Saturday I was getting around a little better.  Went to church Sunday and everyone was surprised to see me.  But standing and getting up and down at church was too much for me. I was in a lot of pain and exhausted by that night. I went back to work on Monday.

So now you're pretty caught up!  Sorry it was such a long entry, but I wanted to put everything in there.

I would like to thank everyone who came to see me while I was in the hospital!  Thank you to my amazing pastor who came to pray with me before they took me back.

What's next for the blog?

Favorite baby items
Lexi turns 4