Struggling

I'm struggling to get by. I have everything I could ever want in life. A husband, a daughter, a son on the way. A house, a job, a car. A family who loves me unconditionally. But, I'm struggling. This migraine is out of control. Going on 9 weeks of pain is miserable. It's unbearable. And it has changed me. There are days when I can't get out of bed. There are days when I get out of bed but struggle to make it through the day. My daughter doesn't know me outside of the bedroom. She is worried beyond belief. Her little 3 year old heart has so much compassion it's almost unbelievable. I think my husband hates me. Hate may be a strong word. But, it's what I feel is coming from him. Our relationship is struggling. And it's my fault. My work is suffering. I know I can't miss a day a week for the next 4 months and still keep my job. But how do I get by? I feel as if no one believes me anymore. No one believes that the pain won't go away. No one believes that there's nothing the drs can do. The drs don't know what to do. I say I can't do this and someone tells me I can. I say it's too hard and they say nothing is too hard. But it is. It's just too hard. I am letting someone down at every moment of the day. And that's too much for me to bear. I'm an over-achiever. It's in my personality to make people happy. I don't want anyone to ever be upset with me. I don't want anyone to ever feel let down by me. But, that's all I do lately. Let people down. I don't live up to anyone's standards. No, I'm not depressed. I'm in pain. Is there a difference anymore? I'm in bed either way. I cry every day either way. But, I know in my heart that this isn't the feeling of depression. I know what that feels like. I take a pill for that every day. That's one pill I won't miss, because I know what happens if I do. I would do anything to feel better. Anything. I would do anything to not let everyone down. I would do anything to mend my relationships and make everything normal again. I would do anything.

scared

First thing...I got to come home from the hospital today! So excited to be back in my own bed. But tonight I got this overwhelming sadness. At first I couldn't really explain it. I mean, I am home...Lexi is home...we're all together...pain is a little better, so I should be good right?!? The more I started thinking about it, the more it started to make sense. I am scared of the pain coming back full force. I'm scared to wake up tomorrow with an 8 on the pain scale...which has been the norm up until today. I wanted to come home from the hospital more than anything, but I didn't realize how nice it was to know that a nurse would be checking on me all day, and if I needed anything I could just push the little red button. I'm scared of having to manage the pain on my own at home. I'm scared that if the pain comes back how will I function. The past few days if I was in pain it didn't really matter because my only job was to lay there and try to feel better. But now that I'm home I have other normal things that I have to do...go to work, take care of my daughter. I'm scared that if the pain comes back there are some people who won't handle it gently. Then Jacob informed me today that we just aren't going to have the money to make the trip to Dallas to hang out with my best girlfriends at the end of this month. I have been looking forward to this trip since the day I left Dallas after our trip last year. So, bummed doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Devastated is more like it. I completely understand and I am not angry with him in the least for this. Then, as per my nature, I have extreme guilt. I am already worried about the hospital bills for this little adventure we were on this week. Not just regular hospital bills, but the MRI cost also. I am worried about my lack of a paycheck next week. I am guilty for the fact that my mom missed a lot of work this week, which will also affect her paycheck. I feel guilty because of the stress and worry I put on Jacob and the rest of my family. I have a million things going on in my head. I need to finish 1 baby blanket, do another for friends. I need to do a baby blanket for Kristin, and also one for baby Rex. I need to plan a baby shower for Kristin and buy her gifts. There's just a lot still going on in my head. So needless to say, I still need prayers.

hospital part 2

Today was my second full day here. There is really nothing new to report. I still have pain. I woke up this morning and rated my pain as an 8. When Jacob got here my food tray was already here but I couldn't even force my eyes open. I eventually ate my breakfast and felt a little better. I got pain meds at 1:30 and then slept for a while. It wasn't a hard sleep, I could still hear everyone in the room but I once again felt like I couldn't force my eyes open. When I did wake up in a couple hours I was feeling (much) better. I ranked my pain as a 5 and I didn't ask for more pain meds at 5:30. We were waiting all day for an internal medicine consult. They finally came right before 7 and stayed approximately 3 minutes. I didn't understand what his plans were and I was still hopeful about going home tonight, so Jacob chased him down the hall. He thinks the neurontin needs to build up in my system. He may increase the dose tomorrow. The general consensus between him and my ob is that I willnot be going home until the pain ia gone. That's a scary thought considering I have beenin pain for 7 weeks. So when Jacob came back in and told me that I pretty much had a breakdown. I want to go home! I feel like I can rest and take pills at home. Jacob immediately called my mom who got me calmed down. I got pain meds at 8. The nurse told me not to wait too long in between so the pain doesn't get intolerable. I have been sweating like crazy in here. Everyone keeps talking about how cold it is but I literally feel like my bed is an oven. The fan is missing from my room so that sucks. Keeping my fingers crossed that I have a good night and get to go home tomorrow. Lexi is coming home after being gone for a week so I want to be there not here. I have tried to keep everyone updated as much as possible. It has been hard to keep up with all the texts and tweets. Eventually I will get my Thanks out to everyone. I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers so much. ignore any typos! I am using the kindle fire and I'm still not used to the keypad.

labor and delivery

Well I beat my own record of having to go to labor and delivery. 23 weeks 1 day this time. The past few days my migraine has been getting worse and worse. I have slept for less than 6 hrs since Saturday because of the pain. Today I got to work and started throwing up. It was pretty uncontrollable so i went home. I called my ob because I was concerned with getting dehydrated,and of course the pain. My ob called me back and told me to come to labor and delivery to be admitted for 24 hrs. I got here and they did bloodwork and started iv fluids. I got a couple pain pills and dozed for a second. The pain is still on about the same level. I think the plan is to do an mri tomorrow. Hopefully it comes back clear. I'm sure it will because it always does. Jacob went home to sleep and I'm starving. Off to hopefully get some sleep.

Little Bitty Turns 3

When Lexi was born she weighed 5 pounds 5 oz and went to the NICU for 9 days.  Jacob's mom (Granny) started called her Little Bitty.  I always think about that now because she is so big, and tells us all the time that she's not a baby.

We had Lexi's 3rd birthday party today.  Her actual birthday is May 3, but this is the first free weekend we have had.  We went back and forth on themes, but she settled on Princess and the Frog.  I think she would watch that movie on repeat 24/7 if we would let her.  We found the package we wanted from Party City.  If you order in the store you can get free shipping to your home.  I was so excited when it came in this week.  It is so cute!  And filled with so many great things.  I didn't have to purchase anything extra to go with the supplies.

I wasn't sure how many people were going to show up to the party, but by last night I had a good feeling we were going to have a house full of people and I kinda started to panic.  And of course we cleaned like maniacs because this is the first time we are hosting a party in our new house...and some people had never been here before.

I went back and forth on what to do about a cake.  I really wanted to get her something to go with Princess and the Frog, but I kinda ran out of time and money.  So we happened to be walking through Aldi yesterday and saw these cute little ice cream cakes.  So we got 2 of those and called it good.

Lexi greeted everyone at the door and told them that it was her Princess and the Frog Birthday Party.

Thankfully Jacob's Nana called and told us she was bringing 2 card tables with chairs...so that gave us extra seating.

Mantle decorations

Cups, Forks, and Spoons

(The purple ones came with the package and I had the clear ones)

Plates

Napkins

Birthday Banner

(It came with tons of numbers to personalize it)

Balloons came in the package

I googled it, and it said these are called Party blowers

Table decorations

These invitations came with the package, but we ordered so late that we had already sent invitations out.  So I used a few of them to decorate the front door.

I could go on and on about how proud I am of my girl.  She did so great even though she didn't have a nap. She told everyone thank you and gave lots of hugs and kisses.  After everyone was gone she said, "I loved my party.  Everyone was here."  Yes indeed!  Everyone was here!

The cakes
I didn't taste it but everyone said it was really good.  And we had the perfect amount.

The beautiful birthday girl

When I think about this day I am so happy that I could cry.  I don't like the stress of preparing and wanting everything to be perfect.  But, when it came down to it...it was the perfect day.  We will leave the decorations up for a couple of days probably so Lexi can enjoy them more.  Thank you everyone for coming and making her day so special!  We love you!

My sick girl

Lexi is sick.  :(
She had some yucky green snot a couple mornings early this week.  No big deal, I've been suffering from allergies so I thought it was probably the same thing for her.  So Monday night I gave her some benadryl at bed time.  Jacob said she was pretty whiney Tuesday morning, but we all have our days right?!  So he took her to school like normal.  He got a text that morning (before lunch) that she was really not feeling well and running a 102 fever.  So he went and got her.  He came home and gave her some Advil.  She layed down on my pillow in front of the fan and fell asleep.  The fever came down some.  I ended up coming home early because I couldn't even function at work.  I was a nervous wreck.  I just didn't like the fact that I wasn't there with her.  I mean, I know Jacob is fully capable of taking care of her...but everyone needs their mama when they are sick right?!  She generally doesn't run a high fever...it might get to 99 or 100 but that's it.  So it had me worried.  She was fairly lethargic last night but we alternated Advil and Tylenol every 4 hours and it kept the fever around 100.  You could tell she just wasn't feeling good though.  Granny came over to see her and she wouldn't do anything except for lay in bed, and that's so not like her at all.  She ended up sleeping with me because I figured we would both sleep better if she was with me.  She slept pretty good, but I was still checking her temp and feeling her forehead all night.  Her fever came down overnight.  But she woke up this morning running a 101 temp again.  Jacob had his mom come over to watch her and call the dr.  They said to bring her in immediately.  She got there and wasn't running a fever, as I had given her Advil before I went to work.  They checked her for mono and strep and they both came back negative (thank goodness!)  They said one of her tonsils was a little swollen, but nothing major.  They checked her ears and amazingly enough she doesn't have an ear infection.  That's usually the culprit when she gets sick.  So they said it just was something viral and would have to run it's course.  It's good to know that there's nothing wrong with her, but that also means that there's no medicine to give her to make her better....just medicine to control the fever.  I ended up coming home at noon with a really bad migraine.  When I got here Jacob was taking her to McDonald's for lunch.  She was feeling much better and had no fever!  She acted pretty normal this afternoon, but then around 4 got really whiney so I took her temp and it was back up almost to 101 again.  So more advil for her.  Gave her some more medicine at bed time and put her in our bed.  It literally took her 2 minutes to fall asleep.  That's a sure sign that she's not feeling good...as she usually has to read and talk for at least 20 minutes before falling asleep.  Aunt Lisa is coming down tomorrow to watch her.  Hopefully her fever breaks overnight and stays down!  Her birthday party is this weekend, so we really don't want to have to cancel that.  She's been talking about it all week.
I know that was a really long post about just 2 days time, but I feel better just talking about her!  Say a prayer for my girl if you would!

                               My sick girl last night.  She looks much the same right now.

Letter to Lexi

3 years old!  Where has the time gone?  It seems like just yesterday you were a tiny baby, in a little isolette because you found it too cumbersome to retain your body heat.  And now…now you barely need me.

You have a big girl bed that you can get in and out of.  But mom or dad still has to tuck you in and turn on your music, and help you pick out which books you are taking to bed.

You use the big girl potty.  You don’t even need the tiny little girl potty anymore.  You use it as a step stool to get to the big potty.  And we rarely even know you need to go until you tell us that you’re finished and you need someone to turn the water on so you can wash your hands.

You can open the fridge to get your own string cheese.  But you still need one of us to open the package for you.

You passed your 2 year and 3 year “tests” at school with flying colors!  You are one smart princess!

You love to blow bubbles and play outside.

You love to wear your cowboy boots and cowboy hat all the time.

You push your step stool all around the kitchen so you can be involved in whatever is going on in there. 

You still don’t eat very much, and very rarely will try a new food.  But that’s ok.  You’re still healthy.

I love you!  And I hope I’m everything you need me to be as your mom!